Broken
by wickedworrior
Summary: When he crashed the bomber into the Artic, he thought his life was over. Dying for his Country, sacrifice. Dying in 1945 and waking up in 2011 wasn't what he had in mind. Everyone he knew was gone or dying of old age. Now he was in a time different from his own, can he cope with what he's lost? (Prequel to Hunt, Kill, Love.)
1. Chapter 1

_**Prologue... Two weeks after being brought out of the ice**_

The noise of New York was always the same, the noise of the cars and the constant movement in the streets. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, its light was staring to shine upon the city, the lights of the buildings were slowly fading away as the sun took over as the sustainer of light. The apartment that Steven Grant Rogers was staying in. It was nice, homey; that's how he could describe it, but none of it felt like home. The home he was used to was much different than now, Steve was lying in bed and he was still asleep. The sun was peering in through the window and was resting over his bed near his legs. He slightly stirred and he mumbled something under his breath. He shifted in his sleep and he mumbled something again. He could see the controls of the bomber again, his hands on the controls. The cold air blowing through the broken canopy.

He wasn't cold, but he could hear his heart beating in his ears. He remembered the feeling of his compass against his fingers as he placed it in front of him. He stared at the small picture of Peggy, her lovely brown hair, her red lips, her confident smile. He saw the ice getting closer "I got to put her in the water".

Steve opened his eyes and he stared up at the ceiling, he exhaled shakily as he felt his muscles tensing. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and he opened his eyes, sitting up. He looked around his room and at its bizarreness. The style of the comforter, the carpet, the wood flooring in his hallway that led to his kitchen, which looked relatively the same, it was actually the only place he felt comfortable. He pulled the covers off of him and he felt his body leave the comfortableness and warmth of the blankets. He moved to the edge of the bed and he set his feet on the floor and he lightly moved them over the carpet. He stood up and he walked over to the bathroom and he stared at the glass box with a handle on it, he looked up and down at the new thing that he had to get accustomed to. He pulled it open and he turned the water on and it was instantly hot, he wasn't used to that either.

He glanced over at the mirror as he took his hand out of the path of the flowing hot water. He looked at himself and he recognized himself, but the setting that he was in, was off. He didn't really feel like he would fit in anywhere. He turned back to the shower box and he puled his boxers down, which was another new thing for him, he walked into the shower and closed the glass door behind him. The steam from the hot water was lightly lifting into the air and he put his head under the path of hot water and let it flow over his hair and down his face. It was refreshing, and he didn't mind it being a little different from how things used to be. He looked over at the shampoo bottle and he grabbed it. He held it in his hand and he popped the flap on the cap open, he squeezed out the shampoo onto his hand. He popped the flap back down and set the shampoo back where he grabbed it from. He ran his hands through his hair and began washing it.

He scrubbed his scalp and he rinsed the foam away and he grabbed a bar of soap and began to wash his body. it was a very normal ten minutes, but it was only ten minutes, he still had to make it through twenty-three more hours. He turned off the water and he opened the glass door and he stepped out and he grabbed his towel, which was hanging on a towel rack to his right. He dried his hair off and he dried his body, he hung the towel around his waist and he walked into the bedroom. He walked over to his closet and he opened the door. He saw his uniform neatly folded and he glanced over it as he grabbed a pair of blue jeans. He was soon almost fully dressed and he was looking through his drawers for a shirt. He pulled out a white t-shirt and he gave it a nod of confirmation and slipped it over him. He straightened it out and he grabbed a plaid over shirt and slipped it on and buttoned it. He tucked it into his pants and he buckled the belt. He walked out into his living area and he grabbed his brown leather jacket that was sitting on a chair, he put it on and he walked toward the door. He put his keys into his pocket and he walked out of the apartment and he locked the door. He turned around and he saw an elderly lady standing at a doors about twenty feet away. "Ma'am" he said to her and smiled.

She didn't pay him a second thought as she continued on with what she was doing and he sighed as he was used to getting an answer when he said hello to someone. he walked toward the elevator and he looked at it for a little bit and he hesitantly pressed the button for down. He waited for the elevator to come up and soon the doors opened and he walked in. He pressed the button for the main floor. He waited as he felt the usual lightness in his feet as he felt the elevator go down. He waited for the door to open and he walked out and passed the main desk. The woman sitting there didn't even look at him, Steve was still getting used to the lack of socialness. Well apparently they did have socialness, but it was with a phone, not with someone face to face. Steve exited the building and walked out into the sidewalk and he watched as the buzzing street passed by him, it was as if the world was in a hurry and he was standing still as time went one. He took a left and walked down the sidewalk and he heard people talking on a thing called a Bluetooth. He actually thought a couple of them were talking to him, and before he knew it he saw the familiar device in their ear. Steve just kept his head down and walked at a steady pace.

Steve stopped at the crosswalk and he waited for the sign to give him and all the others around him the ok for walking. Steve noticed that there were three men in suits staying close to him, they had been following him for three blocks already. He glanced back and forth at them and he saw the signal for walking turn on and he crossed the street with the mass of New Yorkers. He walked down the sidewalk for a little and he turned into an alley. The three men following him followed, but as they entered the alley, there wasn't anyone in sight. They stood in a triangle formation and they looked around. The one in the middle, the farthest in the alley looked up and he saw Steve flying down toward him. Steve landed on him and he hit the ground and he was groaning in pain as Steve stood up and got off of him. He stood in front of the other two. "Why are you following me?" Steve asked

The two men looked at each other and one pulled out a badge and showed it to Steve. Steve looked at the letters S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve sighed "That man Fury had you follow me. Why?"

"Frankly sir, just to keep an eye on you" the one with the badge in his hand said

Steve nodded "Ok, well I would suggest that your buddy get to a hospital, I just broke his ribs and cracked his sternum"

"How do you know you broke all that?" the one standing farthest back asked

Steve looked down at the man on the ground and he saw his chest looked different than before and he remembered hearing things crack as he landed "I can see that his ribs are broken and I heard them break as I hit him"

The two S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents looked at each other and one knelt down over the agent on the ground and the other spoke into his wrist "Sir we have an agent down, um... the Captain saw us and he thought we were going to hurt him, so he kind of got the drop on us." he was silent then he nodded "Yes sir, I'll tell him"

Steve stood ready for what ever the man was going to tell him, the man lowered his wrist and looked at him "Director Fury wishes to speak with you"

"Where?"

"Your apartment"

Steve looked at them and nodded and he began walking away "Sorry for the mess"

Steve was almost to his apartment when he was bumped into by two men and he got out of their way, well it was more of being forced out of their way. They looked back at him "Watch were you're walking bitch"

Steve just watched them walk away and he shook his head and he kept walking toward his apartment building and he was actually grateful to get back inside, he felt like his puny pre-serum self again. He got to the main door of the building and he opened it and walked in, he pressed the up button for the elevator and he waited again for it to come get him. He didn't know if he could trust Fury, he didn't know if he could trust anyone. The elevator door opened and he walked in and hit the button for his floor. He waited for the doors to reopen. He took a deep breath and he closed his eyes and he could see Red Skull smiling at him. he opened his eyes at the same time that the door opened. he stepped out and he walked toward his door and he noticed that it was unlocked and he pushed the door open and Nick Fury was standing in his living room. He turned and waited for him to close the door.

"Take a seat Cap" Fury said as he walked over to a chair.

Steve watched as Fury took his seat, he took his and he looked at Fury, waiting to hear what he wanted to talk about. Fury scratched his nose and he leaned forward "I see that you found the detail I had protecting you"

"Protecting me?" Steve asked shocked "I don't need protection."

Fury smirked "Fine they are there to keep an eye on you"

Steve looked at him confused "am I some kind of threat?"

Fury leaned back in the chair "We're still seeing if you have ready?"

"Ready? Ready for what?"

"Active duty"

Steve's attitude instantly changed, "You mean you want me back in the field?"

"If it is necessary, yes"

Steve gave him a small smile "I'm a little behind on the knowledge sir"

Fury nodded "That is why I want you to study up, you will also have therapy sessions, to see if you are green for active duty"

Steve nodded "Ok, is that all you wanted sir?"

Fury stood "Yeah, enjoy the rest of your day Captain Rogers"

Steve watched him walk out of his apartment and he exhaled. Well at least he had something to work toward now.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A Week Later...**_

Steve was sitting at the dining room table. He was reading a book that was in French. He needed to refresh his mind on French, some wording had changed since he last learned it. He had another one in German, he knew that it would come in handy. He read the last page and he closed the book, that was the fifth book he read today, and it wasn't even noon yet. Well he was glad his reading time was still the same, and he was hungry all the time. He knew the serum was working, maybe he would go out for a drink to night and see if he can get drunk, maybe that's still working. He remembered that he tried to get drunk after Bucky died, he couldn't though, it was just another drink to him. He went for another book and he stopped himself, he thought about Bucky and how it was his fault that he fell. Well that's what he kept telling himself, he saw what happened. he knew that the railing broke and he was too far away for him to reach. Steve sighed and stood up, he needed to clear his head, maybe a good work out would do him good. He walked back into his room and he put on a white T-shirt. He grabbed a duffle bag and he walked out of the apartment. He made to the street, then he noticed that three agents were following him again.

Steve sighed, annoyed and he walked around a corner and waited for them. He leaned against the brick wall and three agents came around the corner and they saw him and they knew they were caught.

"Since I know that you guys aren't out to hurt me, can one is of you direct me to a place to work out. I haven't been home in years." Steve looked around at all the buildings "and this place has changed a bit."

One of the Agents directed him to an older boxing place. Steve arrived there and he saw the owner. He was an elderly man and he saw him and smiled. "I don't believe it, Captain America"

Steve was taken off guard and he looked at him "Hello" he said simply

The old man saw Steve reach his hand out and he took it and firmly shook it "Nice to finally see someone who has better manners than the nearest drug dealer down the street"

Steve smiled, but he almost frowned when he heard the words 'drug dealer'. He still had to get used ton how things have changed, no more smoking in the pubs, he was sure that his team would have hated that. It made him chuckled when he saw Dum Dum Hogan drinking a large glass of beer and he had a cigar in his hand. He definitely knew he wouldn't be happy. "So you know who I am"

The old man chuckled "Someone my age, we all know who you are, well I'm old friends with Fury. Well more like acquaintance, but he had a feeling you would want to work out somewhere, so he told one of those young agents where to direct you if you asked"

"Well if I have to pay?"

The old man put up his hand "You pay me with having a drink with me and some friends, and maybe ten bucks here and there"

Steve smiled "I would like that"

"We can talk about the good days"

Steve chuckled "I will admit, this takes getting used to" he said looking around

The old man chuckled "I said that my entire life and now my granddaughter doesn't get off the phone so she can see me."

Steve sighed "Things have changed"

"You're damn right, anyway the place is yours for the day, they'll let me know when you leave so I can reopen it"

Steve nodded and gave the man another hand shake and he started to walk away and turned back around "I swear wit my old age, I'm forgetting things, Jack Holiday"

"Steve Rogers"

"I will assume that I didn't already know that, good to meet you Steve Rogers"

Steve smiled and shook the man's hand again and watched him walk away, he chuckled and shook his head. At least he got to smile today, that was more than he usually did.

He spent the next two hours trying out everything in the gym. He did the bench, which he was happy was still around. He tended to gravitate toward the punching bag. He had his hands taped and he began to hit the bag. His hands were soon jabbing and hitting the bag in steady increasing speed. He punched it and he saw a flash is Red Skull smiling at him. He noticed that he felt angry and he hit the bag harder. he could feel cold air around him and he hit eh bag even harder. He gritted his teeth and he saw Bucky fall away from him and down into the white abyss and he pulled back and hit the bag and it flew across the room and sand poured out onto the floor. he was breathing heavily and he sighed. He decided to be done and he cleaned up. He left the gym and he headed home for a shower.

The warm water was blissful and for a moment he thought he was still in the forties. He opened his eyes and he was reminded that he wasn't. he looked at the glass box that was now a shower and he sighed. he turned off the water and he pushed the glass door open. He closed his eyes and he could hear yelling: "Get down!

"Move!"

"What the hell are you doing? MOVE!"

Steve opened his eyes and the voices faded away and he swallowed and he walked out of the shower and grabbed his towel. He dried off and he walked into his bedroom and he saw Peggy standing in front of him and he saw her smile and her face brightened up and she looked at him "You ready to go?"

Steve took a step forward and he put his hand on her shoulder, but it just went straight through her and he blinked and she was gone. He sat down on the edge of the bed and he frowned. He didn't know if he could deal with all of this, but he had to try. He decided to get dressed in something comfortable and sit down on the couch and try and figure out the new TV.

Twenty minutes after looking through a manual for the channels he actually turned it on. He stared at the picture on the screen and it was a commercial for a vacuum. He looked at the remote and found the channel button and he made the channels change. He flipped through a few and he remembered one and he pressed the numbers and the channel changed to _Animal Planet._ He put down the remote and he sat back and began to watch. After an hour he turned the TV off and he never knew that about lions, he stood up and he walked toward the kitchen. He was hungry and now it was time to relearn everything in the kitchen. He was at least happy that he found a channel that actually taught him things.

The next hour was actually not that bad, he had to get used to the new kind of oven, but he caught up. he next learned the stove top, he liked that one the most and he was now making something. There was three chicken breasts in a pan and they smelled pretty good. He found the seasoning in a cabinet next to the stove. He lightly seasoned it and he checked to see if it was done and it was. He turned off the stove top and he had a plate ready and he used his fork and he stabbed the chicken and he moved it to his plate. He took the pan and he went tot he sink and rinsed it out. He read up on hour the food today has a lot of grease in it. He sat down at the small dining room table and he began to eat.

He was on his last chicken breast and he had to admit the food was better than it ever used to be. He remembered they used to boil everything, so it was a nice change. So food was the only change he had accepted, funny. He finished his food and he carried his plate to the sink and he rinsed the juices from the meat off and he placed the plate into the sink. He would clean the dishes tomorrow, he needed something to do. He turned back toward his bookshelf and he grabbed a chemistry book. He walked toward his room and he took a seat at his desk and he began to read the book. He was halfway through it when he decided not to look at it anymore. He rubbed his eyes, he needed a change in pace. He opened a drawer in his desk and he found a large sketch book, he frowned who could have put that there? He brought it out and he grabbed a pencil and he opened the first page and a note was written in it: _I was told that you liked to draw from a fan, hope this helps a little- Fury._

Steve nodded and he looked at the sketch book, he could make it work. He really needed to thank this one fan, and funny that he actually still had fans, he thought that maybe he was too old fashioned. He began to draw and he drew the first thing he thought of and he drew a monkey on a unicycle with his old Star Spangled man outfit on. he chuckled at it and he looked up and he saw Peggy and all color drained from his face. He blinked as she was gone, he shook his head slightly. He sighed, maybe he could use a refresher nap.


	3. Chapter 3

_It was morning when Steve opened his eyes, he blinked and his eyes hurt. He breathed and his chest felt constricted, he sat up and held himself there with his arms placed behind him on the mattress. He looked around the room and he could hear the radio playing and the light from the sun was shining bright through the window. He sighed and he felt relief fill him and he stood up. It felt like he hadn't moved in years. He heard something on the radio that made him become alarmed. The baseball game, he had been there._

 _He turned and a woman was standing by the door. Steve looked at her closely "Where am I?"_

 _She seemed almost scared or flustered when he asked her the question._

" _Captain Rogers"_

 _Steve shook his head "Where's the Colonel?"_

" _I don't know who you're talking about"_

 _Steve grabbed her by the arms "Where am I, that game I was there"_

 _She looked at him shocked and he moved toward the door and he ran out of the room and he saw that he was in a small box and he sprinted away._

Steve opened his eyes and the sun was beaming down onto his chest. He blinked a few times and he felt tired. He sat up and he moved his legs over the end of the bed and placed his feet on the wooden floor. He took a deep breath and he stood up. He heard something vibrating loudly and he frowned then he remembered the phone that was given to him by Fury. He reached over and grabbed the phone on the nightstand. He moved his thumb over the green and he answered the phone. He slightly moved the phone toward his head and he placed it against his ear.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Rogers"

"Jack, nice to hear from you, wait how did you get this number?"

He heard Jake chuckled "I have my old friends, anyway you busy?"

Steve looked around the room and he saw nothing that he might be doing "Not at all"

"Good, want to come along for a drink?"

Steve was surprised by the invitation "You know what yeah"

"Ok, there is a bar by the Gym, you can't miss it. Not to mention John will give us away"

Steve heard a shout of protest from the background. Steve chuckled and Jack laughed slightly "It seems John has gotten ahead of us with the drinking, again"

Steve remembered Hogan used to do that "I know how that is"

Jack chuckled "See you then"

Steve smirked and took the phone away from his ear and he pressed the red color and the call ended. Steve put the phone into his pocket, he walked over to the living area from his room and he put on his boots. He grabbed his leather jacket and he grabbed his keys and unlocked the door. He left and he made his way to the street.

He walked down the sidewalk and he passed numerous people that looked interesting, far more interesting than people used to look back in the forties. He was still getting used to that. The bar was where Jack said it would be, right down the street from the gym. It seemed the man lived on one street. Steve saw Jack standing in the open patio of the bar and he waved him over. Steve gave him a friendly smile and he got to the small metal fence that kept others out of the patio. Jack walked forward and the fence stood between them.

"Head inside and tell the cute girl at the counter that you're with Holiday"

Steve nodded, he walked toward the entrance, and he pulled the door open and walked in. He was met with the smell of cooking food, Steve wasn't hungry, but when he was he was definitely coming here. He saw the girl at the counter and Jack was right, she was pretty. She saw him and she gave him a smile, he was a little flustered by the whole new surroundings. "Can I help you?" she asked

"Yes I'm with Holiday"

She smiled "That guy, ok you're safe"

Steve chuckled and he walked toward the door that led to the patio and he turned around when he forgot to ask for her name and he saw that she was already talking to someone else. He sighed and turned around, he was sure he looked like an idiot and he opened the door and joined Jack and his friends.

Jack welcomed him with a pat on the shoulder and John came and gave him a big hug. Steve smiled and he saw two others and they stood and shook his hand. "It is a pleasure to meet you sir" one said

"Steve Rogers"

"Henry"

"Nice to meet you Henry"

The other offered his hand and Steve took it and gave it a firm shake. The man smiled at him "I saw you once, you haven't aged a day. It's good to be actually shaking your hand"

Steve smiled and he appreciated the kind remark, he smiled "Steve Rogers"

"Jerry" he said

"It's good to meet you Jerry"

They all smiled at him and Jack came over "Alright lads since your done loving the man, let's get a round"

John nodded his head and slightly yelled, Jack put his hand up "John you have already drank enough, but I can't stop you. Get four beers"

John nodded and stood, he walked back into the building and went to the bar. Steve took a seat around a center table that they were all sitting at. Henry sat to his left and Jerry to his right. Jack was across from him and the odd one out was John, very much like how he was. "So you enjoying the city?" Henry asked

Steve shrugged "It hasn't changed too much"

Jerry chuckled "You hate it don't you?"

Steve smiled and looked down "Maybe a little"

Jack chuckled "You'll get used to it, me I like it just the people, they look a little odd"

Steve chuckled "Yes they do"

John came marching back with their drinks and he took his own seat and started to drink his right away. Jack shook his head at him and took a swig. Steve drank a gulp of his and it tasted alright, nothing special. Jerry looked at Steve "Jack tells us that you work out at his gym"

Steve nodded "Yeah I do"

"It was set up between me and a few friends"

"Oh your friends that you can't tell anyone about, makes sense that they would find Captain America" Henry said smiling

Jack shrugged "Well yeah, so Jerry how's the wife?"

"She's alright, nagging the hell out of me, but that's just because I don't listen"

Henry chuckled "Everyone knows you listen to your partner about everything, even shoes"

"Yeah your woman always talks about shoes" Jack said

"Hey, it keeps her mind off of me"

John chuckled and he took another swig "I hear that you have a newcomer Jerry"

Jerry nodded "yeah my son just had his first kid"

"So our Jerry is a Grandfather?" John asked

Jerry gave a little nod, Jack smiled "Congratulations"

"Yeah man good for you" Henry said

"You have a girl Cap?" John asked

Steve looked at them "Mine kind of well that ship sailed when I went into the ice" his mind went to Peggy and he wondered if she was still alive.

"Well to be as cheesy as shit, there are plenty of fish in the sea" Henry said reassuringly

"Well you don't find a lot like her" Steve said remembered Peggy hitting the guy in basic, he smiled at the memory.

"Oh you have it bad don't you?" Jack said

Steve frowned "What makes you say that?"

Jack shrugged "I don't know, maybe it's the smile that you have on your face as we talk about her"

Steve chuckled "Well Jack, do you have a partner?"

"No sir, mine left me five years ago"

"I'm sorry to hear that" Steve said

Jack shrugged "It was her time, cancer"

Steve nodded, he remembered reading about it, and it sounded awful. He took another drink and Jerry looked at John "What about you big man?"

John sighed "My son just had his third kid, they are out numbering themselves"

"Hey we all outnumbered ourselves" Jerry said

"Yeah you have five kids John, Jerry has four, hell I have six. Jack over there is the only one who had one" Henry said

John waved him away "well let's just say having a large family now a days is tough"

"You got that right" Jerry said nodding

"Well I feel sorry for you fellas" Jack said

"Shut the hell up Jack" Jerry said smiling

"Well, I see that John is done with his drink, want to go get us some more?"

John nodded and he stood, he walked away and he wobbled a bit. Jack watched him "Damn"

"What?" Steve asked frowning

"We stay out till John can barely walk, but he's fine. It could be a long night"

Steve chuckled at the memory of the bartender "Where do they put this stuff" He chuckled at the memory and he looked at Jack "So how's the world?"

Jack shrugged "Not too bad, could be better, well it could always be better"

Steve nodded "So Cap, what do you do for leisure?" Jerry asked

Steve looked at him "As of now I'm educating myself"

"Oh learning all the new things" Henry said

"Got to get caught up"

"If there is something you should see, it would be one of these movies now a days" Jerry said

"I heard about them, any recommendations?"

Jack shrugged "I would watch Titanic"

"Oh you always watch that one"

"Well till they hit the iceberg, after that it just too damn sad" Jack said

Steve was surprised that they made a movie out of that, he saw John coming back with more drinks. Jack looked at him "Here we go"

The rest of the evening was like that, just a group of guys talking about their problems and them laughing them off. Steve missed that kind of talk, he used to have that same degree of talk with his friends. He didn't realize how much he missed it till that evening. After John could barely walk, they all decided to leave. Jack took John home while the others went their own ways. They all gave Steve their thanks again and Steve was back at his apartment door by nine o'clock. He put the key into the keyhole and he opened the door.

He walked in and closed it, he took off his leather coat and not even ten minutes went by when he heard a knock on the door. He hadn't even taken his shoes off, he opened the door and a man with a notebook was standing before him. He seemed pleased that he opened the door. "Mr. Rogers I presume"

Steve looked at him "Yes I am, you the psychiatrist?"

"That would be me"

Steve invited him in and shook his hand, he closed the door. "A little late with the session Doc"

"Well when your session involves whenever you're free, then yes it is late, but it's only a time."

"Sorry, you know me, but I don't know you"

"Well you can call me Peter, or Dr. Enwine"

"Dr. Enwine"

Enwine chuckled "Fury did say you're formal"

Steve shrugged "It was how I was raised"

Enwine shook his head "Don't think I'm against it, it's nice"

Steve looked at the dining room table "Take a seat Dr. Enwine"

Enwine saw the table and the chairs, he smiled and nodded "Thank you"

Steve took a seat and Enwine took a seat opposite of him. Steve never met a psychiatrist before, but he did read up on what they do. Enwine set the notebook on the table and he opened it, he pulled a pen out of his pocket and he placed it on the paper. He wrote down the date and Steve's name. He put the page as: session one.

He looked at Steve "Shall we begin?"

Steve nodded "Sure"

"How are you Steve, you don't mind if I call you Steve do you?"

"Not at all, and I'm good"

"Define good"

"I had a very fun evening and I had a few laughs, I'm good"

Enwine wrote in the notebook "Good, how are you dealing with the transition?"

Steve thought for a second and he scratched his head "I'm getting used to it, slowly"

"A lot to catch up on?"

"Yeah, but mostly just reading up on my history and updating my language"

"Why choose those things first?"

"What?"

"Why choose history and language first?"

"I don't know, I just thought that maybe I could do that from here the easiest"

"Is it because you want to be able to understand people and be able to talk to them, to communicate?"

"Well yeah, I like communication"

Enwine smiled "Good, if you were becoming an introvert, then we would have to fix it, at least you're taking small steps toward getting out there"

"I guess"

Enwine wrote something down in his notebook and he looked back at him "Now, how do you sleep at night?"

Steve sighed "Not the best"

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I think it's the dreams mostly, more like memories"

"How often do you dream these memories?"

"About every night"

"Describe one for me"

Steve hesitated slightly and he didn't feel very comfortable with this, but he knew it was all part of getting out there. "One is on a train, it's cold. The wind is blowing fast. There's a large blast of blue energy and the side of the train shoots outward and my friend is hanging on the side of it. I try to save him, but he falls just as my hand is about to grab his and then I wake up"

Enwine wrote something down in his notebook "Times up"

Steve looked at him "That's the end of the session?"

"Yes, I will see you again in two days, you are on your way to getting out there Steve, just I want you to focus on these dreams, these memories. Maybe they are trying to tell you something"

Steve nodded and they both stood, Steve shook his hand and walked him to the door. He said good night and he closed the door.

"You seemed to deal with that well"

Steve looked behind him and Fury was standing behind him. "You just going to keep showing up randomly, you could use the door once in a while"

Fury smiled "I wanted to be present for the first session, the rest I won't be here. I will then use the door, you seem to be doing well"

Steve nodded "It's hard"

"Well no one said it was going to be easy"

Steve nodded "You want a beer, water?"

Fury shook his head "On duty, good night Rogers"

Steve nodded and Fury walked toward the door and left the apartment. Steve stood in the kitchen alone and the apartment was quite. He exhaled and he decided to sleep. He was tired and he needed to find the movie Titanic. He walked into his room and he laid down on the bed and he stared up at the ceiling for a while and he was lost in his thoughts. Mostly abut Peggy, Steve closed his eyes and he felt like he laud there for hours and he felt the warm welcoming embrace of sleep. He felt suddenly cold and he opened his eyes. He looked up the ceiling, he was in his apartment, not the bomber. He repeated the words over and over and he slowly fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve's morning was very uneventful, he spent the first few hours sitting at different areas in his apartment. He didn't know what to do with himself. He was sitting at the dining room table for the third time when he heard a knock at the door. Steve leaned forward in the chair alert, and he stood up. He walked toward the door and he opened it and Fury was standing before him.

"Cap"

Steve smirked "Well you did use the door, come in"

Fury walked in and he had a small smile on his face, but it wasn't there for long. He walked past Steve and took a seat at the dining room table. He motioned for Steve to sit down "Sit"

Steve took a seat and he waited for whatever Fury wanted to say. Fury took his time before he talked, Steve sat silently and he was patient. Fury finally looked at him "Now Cap, I know with the fact that you are here, that the people you knew aren't around anymore"

Steve nodded "Yeah, I know"

Fury nodded "What is your opinion of Howard Stark?"

Steve was actually surprised to be asked that question "Well Howard, he was a very smart man, not bad with the ladies, and a good friend"

Fury nodded "Sadly Howard is dead"

Steve really shouldn't have been surprised by it, but he was. "How did he die?"

Fury hesitated "He died in a car accident, with his wife"

Steve looked at Fury "Howard actually got married, well that's a surprise"

Fury placed his hand on the table "He had a son too"

Steve inclined his head "Is he alright?"

"Stark, he's fine. The point is that one of the big players in our little world is Tony Stark"

Steve nodded "Let me guess, he's like Howard?"

"A little more of a little shit, but yeah"

Steve wasn't surprised by that, he even chuckled "So he runs Stark Industries"

"Kind of, he… with all your time being here, have you ever heard of Iron Man?"

Steve remember hearing someone one day mention the name "Heard, no idea what it is"

"Well Iron Man is Stark, he has a suit of armor and he can fly around"

Steve sighed "Seems like something a Stark would do"

Fury chuckled "Yeah, well I just wanted you to know, because if you come back to the field, you're going to meet him"

Steve nodded "Thanks for telling me"

Fury gave him a little nod "I will leave you to your devices now"

Steve watched Fury leave the apartment and he looked at the table and he slammed his fist down. He heard the wood crack a little, he moved his hand off the table. He sighed and leaned back. He closed his eyes and he felt angry, another person he knew, dead, great. He stood up and he walked toward his bedroom and he took a seat at his desk, he opened on of the bottom drawers and he reached in and found what he wanted. He pulled out a large black sketch book. He looked at it and slowly exhaled.

He opened the book and he flipped through the pages and he saw all of the ones he had drawn of Peggy, and he saw the latest one was Howard. He looked at it, he saw it as cruel irony. He remembered one of the first times that he ever spoke to Howard.

 _Steve was standing in his dark brown uniform and he was looking around quite aimlessly, if anything he looked a little lost. He began to pace back and forth and he seemed like he was on edge. He stopped and stood completely still. He took a deep breath and he heard footsteps behind him. He turned and Howard was standing behind him, his face was smeared with something black and his hair was messy and up in places._

" _Stark?" Steve said frowning._

 _He smirked and chuckled softly "I had a fleeting moment of curiosity and it blew up in my face"_

" _Am I in the way Mr. Stark?"_

 _Howard waved him down "Not at all, just needed to clear my head"_

 _Steve nodded and Howard walked past him and he motioned for Steve to follow. Steve hesitated slightly, but he took a step and soon he was walking next to him. "So was the fleeting moment of curiosity worth it?"_

 _He looked at him "Yeah, just a little more painful than I hoped"_

 _Steve gave a tilted nod and Stark chuckled "Ok maybe it could have been avoided" Howard intertwined his fingers "What can I say, I get ahead of myself sometimes"_

 _Steve was silent and he just listened to Howard talk, he was so enthusiastic about new discovers and advancements in technology. He looked at Steve and how he was just listening "I'm sorry, I'm doing it again"_

" _Doing what?"_

" _Dominating the conversation with things that are not much of an interest for others"_

" _No its ok, continue. I was listening"_

 _Howard looked at him and smiled and continued on his enthusiastic talk about engines and something about a new element. Steve found that quiet interesting._

Steve closed the sketch book and he placed it on the desk, he rubbed his eyes and he looked down. He really wished he could have been around longer. The idea gnawed at him as he thought that if it wasn't for the car accident, he would have the chance to talk to Howard again, but he wasn't here, he was gone, and he just needed to accept that, but he wasn't sure how to do that exactly.

Steve decided to get away from his memories and he finally touched the laptop that was sitting on a nightstand in his room. He opened it and he looked at everything, he turned it on and he saw the screen light up and an image came up. It was an image of trees around a mountain and a lake was directly below and was so clear that it gave a reflection and it looked like there were two mountains, one directly on top of the other. He saw a blue E and he moved his finger over the small black box at the base of the laptop and he saw his cursor move across the screen. He hovered over the E and double clicked.

The screen went white and words slowly loaded onto the screen. He saw the big purple words . He saw that there was an area for recent news and he looked at them. He saw the pictures shift and show different articles. He found the search tab and he clicked on it and he typed in a word he had heard from many others on the street. . He hit enter and the screen went white again then colored letters that spelled Google appeared.

He was slowly becoming faster at it and he typed in his own name, it was the only thing he really thought of. Suddenly tone of options came and there were all about Captain America and he saw one that said Wikipedia. He clicked on it and a picture from the forties was present and then it had sections labeled. He clicked on his early life and he looked at all the words about him, he clicked on the section: Captain America. A few videos were put on as links and he sighed. He went to the big red X and clicked on it. The whole things went away and he was staring back at the picture of the mountains.

He spent the remainder of the day brushing up more on his French. He was soon tired of that and he moved on to German, which he was getting hang of. He also started another one; Japanese. He found it interesting and quite difficult, but it was a nice challenge.

Before he knew it, the sun was already setting and he was soon lying I bed and he was staring up at the ceiling blankly. He followed the faint brush stroke like grooves and he just got lost in his thoughts. He was soon starting to doze off and his eyes were heavy. He blinked one last time and he closed his eyes and he fell asleep.

The moon was out tonight, but the city lights kept its shimmering shine from affecting the New Yorkers. The apartment was quiet and Steve's alarm read: 3:56 a.m. He was lightly snoring when he suddenly stirred. He shifted in his sleep and he felt cold, he began to shiver slightly. He could feel cold air blowing past his face, it was cold enough that it felt like it was biting his cheeks. He opened his eyes and he was back in the apartment and he was in his warm bed. He shifted slightly the mattress felt funny, like it was going to swallow him whole.

The softness of it was something to get used to, Steve closed his eyes and he tried to go back to sleep, but he saw a flash of seeing Bucky falling away from him and his hand just inches away from his as he fell. Steve buckled forward and he was sitting up and he was looking around. He stared at everything in the room and he looked at the alarm clock: 4:24 a.m. Steve took a breath and he climbed out of bed, he didn't feel like going back to sleep nor did he want to.


	5. Chapter 5

That morning Steve decided to catch up on some music, well the new music that everyone listened to today. He wasn't exactly pleased with the outcome. He stopped when he had heard the words "Fuck", "Bitch", and "Nigger" too much. He decided to listen to another genre and knew that he would never listen to rap again, or at least that kind of rap. He moved on to what he saw as a close relative to rap which was Hip Hop, which he could be completely wrong about.

He didn't hate it, but he found it to chaotic, even thought it was actually nice to listen to, maybe he would figure out to work and I-pod and listen to Hip Hop as he worked out. Maybe. He decided to move on and he listened to some classic rock songs. He actually liked them, there was something about them that he liked. After he got tired of that he looked up metal, which was a huge mistake for him. He turned it off as soon as he listened to the first three verses, maybe soft metal would be better. He listened to that was well, it was better, but he still didn't like it that much.

Steve leaned back in his chair at his desk and he sighed, he wanted to listen to something that made him recall memories, but good ones. He found a genre call Jazz, which he had to admit he liked, he found its cousin, the Blues, which made him feel depressed; the name didn't lie. He stopped listening to music for the day, he sat quietly for a bit at his desk. He didn't know what to do with himself, even with all the things he could do, he didn't feel like doing it. He looked at his window and the soft paddling of rain filled his ears, great rain, that didn't help the mood.

Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath and he remembered his sketch book and he opened one of the drawers and pulled it out, he flipped open to a blank page and he had his pencil ready. He placed its small graphite edge on the paper and he began with drawing a tree. He started with the wide trunk, he made the outline of it very lightly and he continued with the other parts of the tree with the same light marks from the pencil, soon a tree turned into ten more trees. He made their branches mix together like they were close to each other. He had a good mount drawn on the paper, but there was some space at the bottom and he used it to make a path through the trees. He angled it so it looked like it could go on and on.

He accented the path with some grass around it and the occasional rock. He was soon drawing a few small flowers, but they were pristine and neat, they looked like a flower even though they were small. He moved on once the basic ground features were made and he moved on to the rest of the branches at the top of the page. He didn't know if the trees were giant, or if it was a picture from a distance. He liked to put it as the Red Wood Forest, the place he wanted to see since he was young, maybe he could go do that one day.

He was finished with the drawing part after two hours, he had to sharpen his pencil and he looked at the clock: 3:32 pm. He shrugged, he could continue. He did. He was halfway done with the shading when his phone lit up. He put his pencil down and he grabbed his phone and he saw it was a text, it was from Fury.

 _Fury- Dr. Enwine is having another session with you today, do you have a desirable time?_

Steve had finally gotten hang of the phone and he began to respond.

 _Steve- Same time as last time._

 _Fury- you got it._

Steve put the phone back down and he went back to shading the drawing, he was about halfway, the trees were killing him, but he didn't care; if there was one thing he could do all day it was draw. By the time he finished with the last bit of shading it was already seven o'clock. He looked at the time and he began to think. Enwine would be at the apartment around ten, so he could squeeze in a late workout. He nodded and that is what he decided to do.

He entered the gym twenty minutes later and Jack was there with a small smile "Well at least you like the gym"

Steve chuckled and he looked over at one of the posters on the wall, he saw a name and Jack noticed. "Oh the old Murdock fight"

"Murdock?" Steve asked frowning

"Yeah, Jack 'Battling' Murdock, he was a wash up, but a good fighter."

Steve nodded "What happened?"

"Oh he won that fight, but the very same night he died. Someone killed him in a an alley, his son was sent to an orphanage"

"His son?" Steve asked looking at Jack

"Yeah Matthew, kid was damn smart. I actually met both of them once. I think Matthew is currently working on his law degree or starting a firm, I can't remember, but otherwise he's doing fine"

"Good"

Jack looked at him "It's true that you care about everyone"

"Well almost true" Steve said and he was proud that cared enough.

"Well, for some advice, no one cares"

Steve nodded "That's why it's important"

Jack smirked "Well, have a good work out, I'll be in the office"

Steve nodded and Jack walked away, Steve turned toward the wide arrange of things he could do, he saw the punching bag and he went for that one. He could hit something.

Steve spent the next hour punching the bag, he was covered a thin layer of sweat as he hit the bag with a low jab. The sound of his taped hand hitting the bag erupted throughout the gym. He stopped for a bit and he took the moment to breathe. He looked at the bag and he got back into position and he hit the bag with one fist a time. He slowly increased his speed and eh hit the bag harder with every punch. He stared at the bag and he saw a flash and he saw himself and his team running through the snowy forest and he watched as he threw a shield and hit a Hydra soldier.

Steve could feel the cold air around him and his lungs stung a little every time he breathed as the cold air lightly touched his lungs and the back of his throat. He hit the bag and the loud smack echoed throughout the room. It brought him out of his thoughts and he was breathing heavily. He looked at the bag and he brought his fist back and he hit it and it flew across the room and broke. Steve looked at his mess and he was breathing heavily and he took a deep breath and all he could think about was Schmidt's face.

He looked to the right and Jack was standing there looking at him with his eyes wide "Well I never want to get into a fist fit with you"

Steve chuckled "Sorry for the mess"

Jack shook his head "Hell I would pay to see that again"

Steve smirked "Well I'll cleanup"

Jack waved him down "Nah, let the janitor do it, I'm too old and you should take it easy"

Steve smiled with a bit of confusion "Well it's really no problem"

"Rogers when you get out of cleaning up a mess, say yes"

Steve looked at the sand all over the floor and he looked back at Jack "Yes sir"

Jack gave him a small smile "I never thought I would be called sir by Captain America" he chuckled.

Steve gave him a smile, but it was a sad smile. He was beginning how much affect he had on people's lives. He liked that, but he didn't want to let go to his head. Jack walked forward "It's getting late, come on"

Steve nodded and pulled the tape from his hands, he tossed them into the trash and he walked toward Jack and he patted him on the shoulder. "Now I'll close up and I will talk to you till you get to your apartment"

"Jack, there's really no need to…"

"Nah I insist"

Steve tilted his head slightly "Ok"

Jack chuckled and he opened the door for him and Steve walked out into the street. The ground was wet in places from the early rainfall. He heard the door being locked behind him and Jack put the keys into his pocket and he looked at Steve and they both stood still and looked at the bright lights.

"Sometimes this is all I need, just being able to stand quietly and look at the city"

Just as he said I a taxi blew its horn as it drove past a few pedestrians. Steve looked at Jack and he shrugged "Well quiet enough"

Steve smirked and Jack chuckled "The city always surprises you"

They began walking down the sidewalk, and as they passed a few buildings, Jack was talking about computers when Steve heard feet shuffling from an alley in front of him. Thanks to his enhanced hearing. He could hear someone whimpering and then a petrifying scream came from the alley and Steve and Jack looked at each other.

Steve ran toward the alley and Jack moved as fast as he could, Steve rounded the corner and a woman was lying on the ground and a man was running away with her purse and a bloody knife in his hand. "Hey!" Steve barked as he saw him

"Shit" the man said and ran away.

Steve saw a lid for a trash can and he grabbed it and he threw it at the man and hit him in the lower back and he face planted into the ground. He ran over and pulled him around and he was groaning in pain. "What are you doing?" Steve asked

"What does it look like man, I mugged her"

Steve sighed and punched him in the face, knocking him out.

Steve turned back and ran over to the woman on the ground, her hands were on her gut and blood was pouring out over her fingers and pooling around her. She was crying and Jack was on the phone. Steve knelt down and she looked up at him, she was crying. "I don't want to die" she choked.

Steve took her hand in his and h placed his hand on her stomach and he applied pressure. She grimaced in pain "Sorry, need to get the bleeding to stop"

She sobbed and Steve shushed her "Its ok, what's your name?"

She was trembling and he face was slowly losing color "Haley" she finally said

"Haley I'm Steve, everything is going to be ok, you'll be ok"

"I wasn't even supposed to be out tonight" she sobbed

Steve gave her a sad smile "Help is on the way, just hang in there"

Haley was shivering and her lip was trembling and she felt cold "I know who you are"

Steve looked at her "You do?"

"Yeah you're Captain America, my little brother has a poster of you"

"Does he now? What's his name?"

"Ju…Justin"

"Well you'll have to tell him you saw me in person"

Haley smiled and he lips were trembling and she nodded "Did it hurt?"

"Did what hurt?"

"Dying?"

Steve thought back to the cold water all around and it forcing its way down into his lungs and he remembered being crushed by ice. "Like falling asleep" he lied

Haley gave him a little smirk and she stopped trembling and she laid there limply. Steve felt tears coming to his eyes and he looked up at Jack and shook his head. Jack sighed and lower his head and looked at the ground. Steve let go of her hand and closed her eyes. He leaned back and sat down on the ground and he put his head into his hands and he held back sobs and he took a deep breath and he saw an ambulance pull up a second later and he cursed them, only if they were faster.

He watched as the paramedics walked past him and hulled Haley away. He saw Fury walking toward him and he knelt down next to him "Thanks for looking after him Jack"

"No problem"

Fury looked at Steve "come on, go home, sleep. Dr. Enwine can visit another time."

Steve gave him a nod and he accepted Fury's hand and he stood up. He gave Jack his goodbyes and followed Fury into a car and they drove him to his apartment building. Steve got out of the car and Fury got his attention "You did all you could"

"I know" Steve said and he gave Fury a nod.

Fury nodded "Head home" he ordered and the car drove off and Steve stood silently on the curb and he sighed. He turned toward the stairs and walked into the building.


	6. Chapter 6

The hot water flowed out of the showerhead and poured over Steve's shoulders. He stared at the floor and the water poured over his head and streamed down his face. Blood was washing away from his hands and it poured down the drain. He watched it disappear into the drain and he looked at his hands and they were clean. He saw Haley's face in his mind and he closed his hands into fists. He closed his eyes and exhaled. He felt angry, why was he slow, he could have been faster, he should have been faster.

He opened his eyes and looked at the wall and he punched it. The wall cracked and shipped slightly. Steve stared at the long crack that went up the wall, he sighed. He turned the water off and he opened the glass door. He walked out and he grabbed his towel and he dried himself off. He put the towel around his waist and he walked to the bed and he plopped down onto the mattress and stared up at the ceiling. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

" _Did it hurt?"_

" _Did what hurt?"_

" _Dying?"_

" _Like falling asleep"_

" _LIAR!"_

 _Steve opened his eyes and he sat up. He was dressed and he saw Haley lying on his floor and blood was all around her. He looked at her and she smiled and started to laugh. Steve frowned and he looked at her "LIAR!" she screamed_

 _Steve stood up and she got to her feet and blood kept pouring out of her stomach as she walked toward him. "You should have been faster"_

" _I tried"_

" _NO YOU DIDN'T!" she snapped_

 _Steve looked at her and she put her hand on his face "You let me die"_

 _Her hand left his face and blood was left on his cheek and he shook his head "I watched you die"_

" _Watched, let, they're both the same"_

 _Steve shook his head "They are different"_

" _You don't believe that"_

 _Steve looked at her and she smiled and blood poured out of her mouth and she stabbed him with a knife and the searing pain shot up his chest._

Steve opened his eyes and shot up and he was breathing heavily. He had his hand on his chest and he looked around the room. Haley wasn't there and no blood was visible. Steve touched his face and there wasn't any blood, he closed his eyes and he sighed. The sun was up and Steve was still had the towel around his waist. He climbed off the bed and he stood up. He went for his closet and he grabbed pants and he grabbed his other garments and put them on. He entered his kitchen and a knock on the door brought his attention away from getting something to eat. He walked toward the door and opened it.

Dr. Enwine was standing there and he had his notebook and he smiled "Good morning Mr. Rogers, is it a bad time?"

Steve almost wanted to close the door in his face, but he didn't. He invited him in and directed him to the dining room table. He greeted him and sat down. Enwine placed his notebook on the table and he opened it and grabbed his pen. He looked at Steve "Shall we begin?"

Steve nodded and he hid the fact that he was hungry. Enwine first sighed "Awful business last night"

Steve nodded, Enwine looked at him "How are you doing?"

"I'm dealing with it"

"Dealing with it isn't how you're doing"

"I'm fine" Steve said

Enwine wrote something in the notebook "You don't seem fine Mr. Rogers"

Steve sighed "I'll be fine"

"Oh I'm sure" Enwine said

Steve frowned "What is that supposed to mean?"

Enwine looked at him "Listen Steve, there is nothing wrong with letting someone know that you're having a hard time dealing with something"

"Dealing with something, have you ever been in war Doctor?"

Enwine gave him a small smile "No"

"Then how do you even know how I'm dealing with something?"

"I treat Veterans Mr. Rogers, I know what war does"

Steve sighed "I would like you to leave"

Enwine looked at him "No"

Steve gave him a look, Enwine simply smiled "I have seen that look a thousand times Steve, it doesn't work"

Steve sighed "Please leave"

"Why do you insist I leave, if you're dealing with it so efficiently then why can't you have a normal conversation?"

"Normal conversation? Heh yeah a normal conversation isn't possible with me"

"Why do you say that?"

"First off I'm ninety years old and everyone I know is either dead or dying of old age"

"That has nothing to do with how you have a conversation"

Steve sighed in frustration "What do you want from me?"

"I want to see if you're having a good transition"

"A good transition, how the hell am I supposed to have a good transition? Everything is different, I don't know what to do with myself. I sit here learning all I can and still I find something else to make me feel bad"

"What makes you feel bad?"

"Everything" Steve said loudly "I hate the music here, I hate the people here, and to be honest I wished I would have just stayed dead"

Enwine nodded "Steve you don't hate anyone, music maybe, and you do not wish you were still dead"

"Maybe I do?"

"The fact of you saying that means you're lying to yourself"

"Lying to myself"

"Yes, Steve listen: the time is different, even the people are a little different, but the one thing that hasn't changed is you, maybe that's what is making you angry"

"That I'm the same?"

"No, that you are now different"

"I've always been different"

"Yes, but now in today's society you would be seen as the too nice guy, back then you were a gentleman"

"I'm still a gentleman"

"Yes you are, you see. Most people are good people, but no one is a gentleman anymore, there are still a few out there, but not in high supply"

"What is that even supposed to mean?"

"It means you Steve, are the one who is the minority, you're not the majority anymore. Being the minority has always been hard. Take when the people on this earth believe the world was flat or that the planets and sun revolved around us. Those were the majority, the minority had it right and they were not taken seriously, most of the time thought to be wicked, or messed up in the head, and they were right. Being the person that does what is right and not what is easy, is hard. Other outside sources try to tell you you're wrong and that is should be this way, majority and minority are always shifting and they always take turns in who is right"

Steve looked at him "So I'm walking the hard path, is that what you're saying?"

Enwine nodded "To stay who you are, not a perfect soldier, but a good man, is hard now in days. To not act like other men takes conviction and resilience, yes they push hard, but you can take it, otherwise the world would fall apart. Being the morally right person may not let you win, but at least you'll lose for what's right"

Steve looked at him and Enwine nodded and he looked at his watch "Time's up, I will see you again in two days Mr. Rogers"

Steve stood up and he opened the door for him and he watched Enwine leave. Steve closed the door and he nodded. He took a deep breath and he decided to go draw, get away from everything.

It was afternoon when Steve decided to leave his room and be done drawing. He walked over to his bookshelf and he found a history book and he grabbed it, he needed to catch up on with happened while he was in the ice. He opened the first page and he looked at the index. He found the first thing that caught his eye, he saw Cold War and he paused, he missed another did he. He opened it to that page and began to read. He read the entire chapter on the Cold War and he placed his hand on the last page and he frowned at the book. He dismissed it and he went to another chapter: Civil Rights. He opened the page and he saw a picture of a man named Martin Luther King Jr. He began to read and he was becoming angrier as he read it.

He got past the south burning buses and he stopped, he sighed and he looked around the room and he could hear the cars outside. He took a deep breath and he continued reading, he needed to learn this. He got through the chapter and he felt like throwing the book against a wall. He shook his head and continued. It seemed the more he read and learned the angrier he became. He wanted to go back to something he actually knew and just wanted a refreshment. He went to World War 2 and he began to read. Funny how he wasn't mentioned in it, he actually liked it that way, he never wanted to be an idol on a pedestal.

He got to a section called the Manhattan Project. Steve looked at it and he began to read, they made a weapon of mass destruction and they bombed two cities. Steve frowned and he saw the reasons why and he knew that they must have been the only choice that they saw as right at the time. He still couldn't believe, not to just bomb two cities, but cities with civilians in it, he didn't like that. The Axis Powers did that, they were supposed to be different, well things change and he wasn't there to change along with them.

He finally closed the book and he took a deep breath, could he have done things differently? Did he have to go down with the bomber? He could have jumped out, even taken one of the flying bomb things and just sink it into the water. He could have been here for all of that and actually have done something. He looked at his hands and he could still see the bomber's controls in them, he closed his eyes and exhaled. He stood up and walked away from the book and he went to his room and he stood in the middle of it and didn't move. He just stood there, he looked over at the window and he walked over to it and looked out of it. He looked down and watched all the cars drive by, he slowly blinked and he took a breath. He should have been here, he should have done if differently, if he had, maybe he would have been there. He turned back toward the bed and he sighed. He walked to his desk where he had the laptop sitting on the very edge and he opened it and went to Google. He searched the first name that came to his mind: Tony Stark.

Options came up and he saw a picture of him, he looked like Howard, he saw a caption: 'I am Iron Man'.

Steve clicked on it and he read the article about a press conference after an explosion at Stark's facility and he read how Stark went to the podium and told everyone that he was Iron Man. Steve read how it was an uproar and how it was quite chaotic for a month. He smirked slightly, Howard always liked to make a good introduction. He saw that rubbed off on his son, he saw a picture of Stark in the suit and he tilted his head. He really needed to meet this guy, he read about that he was one of the leading developers of weapons for the military. Then how they had made an Arc reactor that supposed to be an alternate energy source.

Steve clicked off of the site and he looked at his wallpaper, he closed the laptop and he walked over to his bed and he laid down on it. He closed his eyes and he fell asleep.

 _The room smelled of cigar and music was playing. He walked past a few people and they were laughing and some people were drinking at the bar and around the room. Steve looked around and smiled as he saw Hogan drinking a large mug of beer. Steve looked around and he saw Jones talking to a pretty girl and he was smiling and feeling happy. He felt a hand touch his arm and he turned around and Peggy was standing behind him. She was looking at him "You made it" she said_

 _Steve smirked "Well I couldn't leave my best girl, not while she owes me a dance"_

 _Peggy smiled and she put her hand on his face "We can go home"_

 _Steve looked around and he could do that. He took her hand and he pulled her close to him and he felt a little nervous as they began to dance. He glanced down at his feet, and Peggy smiled at him. "What?"_

" _Nothing"_

" _I don't want to step on your feet"_

 _Peggy made him look up and he stared at her and her lovely brown hair and her red lips. He looked into her eyes and she smiled "You're doing fine"_

 _Steve moved her and twirled her around and she came back and placed her body against his and he saw her little smirk and he gave her one. He could fell her against him and she smiled at him. He felt her hand on his shoulder and he had his on her lower back and Peggy lightly kissed him on the cheek. He felt his skin burn and he felt his heart jump and he leaned forward and kissed her. Peggy mover her hand on his shoulder on his face and she pressed her body against him. Steve felt her body and he could feel her heart beating against him he kept kissing her and Peggy didn't want him to stop. Steve heard the sound of wind blowing past him, he leaned away and looked at Peggy and they weren't in the bar anymore and the music had stopped. She looked at him and a tear went down her cheek "Steve?"_

Steve opened his eyes and was staring at the ceiling blankly and her words echoed through his thoughts, _"Steve?"_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Fury**_

 _A Month Later…_

Fury walked down the halls of the facility and he had a report in his hands. He was reading it and he saw that he coming up on the door, he sighed and closed the file. He walked through the doorway and into the large room. A soft blue glow was coming from the left and he saw the Tesseract and two scientists were standing around it. Fury saw Dr. Selvig and he walked over to the large console that he was standing at.

"Director Fury" Selvig said not looking up from the console

"Doctor"

"So what have graced me with this visit?"

"I am here for a report on the Tesseract"

Selvig made a soft chuckle and he looked at him "Well trying to sustain it into a usable energy source is proving difficult" Selvig walked away and Fury followed him past other technicians and scientists. He saw Selvig sign something and have the woman a nod and he looked at Fury. "How long does this push us back?" Fury asked

Selvig shrugged "Days, weeks, months, I don't know"

Fury sighed and he looked back at the Tesseract "That's is not good news"

"Is the Council riding your ass?"

"More like deliberately being a pain in my ass"

Selvig chuckled "Well what do you think was going to happen, you tell them that the Tesseract could also make weapons and they go stir crazy"

Fury nodded "I agree that is not an alternative plan that I'm on board with"

"Still holding onto the idea of the Avengers Initiate?"

Fury sighed "Yes, everyone is in position, all we have to do is get them together"

"Having Stark, Rogers, and Dr. Banner together does not sound like a good plan"

"Stark knows about this, Rogers does not"

"So what Captain America wakes up and he living in an apartment in New York?"

"I am trying to get him back into active duty"

Selvig stopped right there and looked at Fury "That doesn't sound like a good idea"

Fury frowned "Why not?"

"Well think about it, he goes under in 1945 and wakes up in 2011, not exactly the kind of debriefing that anyone would like"

"He is coping admirably they tell me"

"Do you believe that?" Selvig asked looking at him and seeing that Fury was a little unsure about how to answer that.

"I knew that we were going to run into problems"

"Yeah like the fact that he may have PTSD" Selvig said as he typed into the keyboard.

Fury sighed "Every soldier has a little PTSD"

"Yeah but doesn't Rogers have what you say or does he have full blown PTSD?"

"Dr. Enwine says that he is having trouble with the transition, but he hasn't told me that he has PTSD"

Selvig shrugged "Maybe he hides it well"

Fury shrugged it off and he looked around "Where's Agent Barton?"

"Oh him, up there, he never comes down"

"Sure I do, but only when it interests me" Clint said walking toward them.

Fury gave Barton a nod and Clint gave him one in return "What is the security like?" Fury asked

"Tight, but not unbreakable, I would recommend having a few more hands protecting this thing" he said glancing at the Tesseract.

Fury nodded "Ok, thank you for the update"

Clint took a step forward "Any word from Nat, sir?" Clint asked

"She is on the Helicarrier, she just accepted another deep cover mission"

"Where to this time?"

"Russia"

"Any more than that?"

"No" Fury said walking away.

Fury read three more reports while he sat in the Quinjet as it flew up toward the Helicarrier. Fury felt the Quinjet land with a little shift in movement and he stood up and watched the ramp descend. Maria Hill was standing on the deck of the Helicarrier waiting for him. Fury walked down the ramp and Hill greeted him. Fury walked toward the door and Hill followed him.

"What's the word on the Tesseract?"

Fury sighed "We've had a setback, don't know how bad"

"The Council won't be happy"

"No they won't, but they'll just have to accept it"

Hill followed Fury to the bridge of the Helicarrier and she was directed to take a seat at the table in the back of the room. Hill took her seat and Fury took one. He sighed and rubbed his eye and he looked up at Hill. "Rogers is having more difficulty than to be expected"

Hill tilted her head "It doesn't surprise me, come on he was in Nazi Germany a month and half ago"

Fury nodded "I know but he has run into some more problems than I expected, he witnessed a twenty year old girl being mugged, stabbed, and bleeding to death"

Hill exhaled softly "How's he doing?"

"Enwine says that he is dealing with it, but he doesn't recommend him for field duty, not yet"

"We could always bring him in for a more commanding role"

"We could, but Rogers is a soldier, not a backseat driver. He wants to and needs to be on the ground that is where we will have the best from him, so we'll help him till he can become ready for field duty"

Hill nodded "You got it boss"

Hill stood to leave and Fury stopped her "Have Romanoff meet me here"

Hill gave him a little nod and she walked away and left the bridge. Fury sat there quietly and he closed his eye and he took a few deep breaths and he heard the sound of boots walking toward him. He looked up and Romanoff was walking toward him. Fury directed her to a seat.

Natasha took her seat and she didn't try to get comfortable, she just sat there waiting for her time to leave. She looked at Fury and he seemed to be stressed, well, being the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. is a stressful job. She just sat there quietly till he decided to speak. Fury looked at her and he sighed "I hear that you accepted another mission Romanoff"

Natasha nodded "Just want to stay busy"

Fury nodded "Tell me Romanoff, how much do you know of Captain America?"

Natasha was quiet for a bit, but she knew who he was, she was told to study him in Red Room when she was younger. She would have been sent on a mission to kill him if he hadn't done it himself. "Everything on paper"

Fury chuckled "Well in the coming months you may get to know him a little more"

Natasha frowned "Sir?"

"We found Captain America while you were on mission when Banner fought Abomination"

Natasha was surprised by the news and she looked at Fury "Are you bringing him in?"

"One day I would like to"

"Where is he now?"

"New York, in his apartment, he is trying to go through this transition, it is proving difficult"

Natasha shrugged "I heard that he learns fast"

"He does, he caught up with French and German and he isn't half bad at Japanese"

Natasha nodded her head a little "So what, are you going to assign me as a babysitter?" she asked him sarcastically, hoping that he wasn't.

Fury shook his head "No, but your next target is Georgi Luchkov"

Natasha nodded, Fury continued "He is a corrupt Russian General, I need you to get into his operation and get all of his secrets"

Natasha sighed "That may take a while"

"That is why it's a deep cover operation, it's going to take months to do this"

"Couldn't I just let him capture me?"

"When the time is right, but we want everyone he is dealing with as well"

Natasha nodded "Follow the small fish and he'll lead to bigger ones"

Fury nodded "Exactly, I will only bring you back in in it is an emergency, otherwise you will give us a weekly update"

Natasha nodded "Where does this small fish hang out?"

Fury smirked "he spends most of his time at parties that also have his benefactors and other partners of dealership"

"So months of going to parties, how exciting" Natasha said standing to leave

Fury stopped her "Romanoff, be careful"

Natasha nodded and walked away. Fury stood up and walked toward the console at the head of the bridge and he looked around at everyone and he nodded, he sighed _time to get to work._

 _ **Steve**_

Steve was invited to have another drink with Jack, he accepted after he thought about getting out more. He was sitting at a bar and this time it was just Jack. Steve greeted him as he came in, Jack ordered a drink and they both took a seat at the bar and began to talk. Steve wasn't in the best mood, but as the night went on, he got a little better. Jack was explaining how to ix one of the new cars when Steve looked at him "It's way too complicated" Steve said putting his head in his hands.

Jack laughed "Everything now in days is complicated"

"Tell me about a motorcycle instead of a car please"

Jack chuckled and drank his glass of scotch, he pointed at him "Learn it yourself, enough talk with mechanical shit"

Steve laughed and drank from his bottle of beer. Jack had a new glass poured and he put his hand on Steve's shoulders "Look Steve, what happened last night was tragic, yes, but remember in this job of what S.H.I.E.L.D. does; they try to save people, but that doesn't mean you can save everyone"

Steve gave him a nod "Just the way she looked at me"

Jack nodded "I lost one of my best friends in the war, MG42 was in this damn hole and it hit him five times in the gut, his guts spilled everywhere, he died in my arms" Jack paused slightly and he kept going "I listened to him say he wanted to go home for two minutes"

"How long did he last?"

"Five minutes" Jack said and he sighed and he sniffed "The last few he talked about how he couldn't feel anything, he spoke of his family. It was like he knew what was going to happen and he wanted to keep everyone eh knew on his mind before he left, to give him comfort or just something better than the damn war I don't know, but he died in my arms and the last thing he said was that he wanted to see his girl one last time"

Steve looked at his bottle of beer and he sighed "I watched my best friend fall away from me, I was so close to getting him, but I wasn't fast enough, he's dead and I'm still here, it sucks"

Jack nodded "I know, we take those we care about with us and when they're gone we feel like a piece of us went with them"

Steve nodded and took a drink and he exhaled tiredly "I don't know if I can do it Jack"

Jack drank the rest of his scotch "Do what?"

"Live here, in this time. Everything is just overwhelming"

"What about your therapist, isn't he helping?"

Steve hesitated to say anything "He is, but just no one understands, I can't talk about anything that is too personal, it's always how is the Internet, or have you seen any good movies. Nothing has been about what I'm doing, Enwine sure, but it's from a professional point of view. I don't know, I've lost everyone that is easy to talk to"

Jack sighed "I wish I could help you Steve, but I can't. I've been through hell, but not your level of it. I don't think I'm much help"

Steve tilted his head and looked at Jack "Well this is enough, talking about things that are normal, not asking me what am I learning, how is the transition, it's nice to talk to by a normal person"

"You're calling me normal?" Jack asked teasingly

Steve chuckled "Normal enough"

Jack chuckled "Maybe you need to meet a girl"

Steve sighed "I could barely talk to women in the forties, now, it scares me to death"

Jack chuckled "You'll drive head on into bullets but talking to a woman is what you're afraid of"

Steve chuckled "Pathetic isn't it?"

"Not really, look we all have no idea what to say to the one girl we like, we go to try and we come off as someone who can't speak and we stutter, we make fools out of ourselves"

Steve gave him a sad smile "I would love to find someone, but I haven't met anyone like Peggy"

Jack sighed "You only run into one of those women once in a life time"

Steve nodded "You've got that right"


	8. Chapter 8

_Four months Later…_

Steve watched the screen horrified as he watched a Tower have a plane fly into it. He watched as a second one came in and hit the other Tower. Steve saw someone jumping out of the building and he stared at the screen and he frowned at it. He watched one of the Towers completely collapse and he turned the video off and closed the laptop. He closed his eyes and he took a deep breath. He stood up and he smacked his hand against the wall. He walked out of the room and he looked at his island in the kitchen and he walked over and brought his hand down onto it and the countertop cracked.

He walked away from the island and he took a seat on his couch and he got back up, he couldn't sit down, not right now. He put his hands into fists and he wanted to hit something. He took a few breaths and he looked at the ceiling, _what am I doing?_

Steve walked back into his room and opened the laptop and he read up on what was called Desert Storm. How they went to the Middle East. He knew that they were currently at war with terror, but Steve knew that it was a war that would go on forever, there will always be someone putting terror into people. Causing chaos, it was just costing more lives, but it was a war that needed to be fought. He knew that, he needed to get to work.

He took a deep breath and he sighed tiredly, he didn't know how, could he function even though every time he sleeps he has a nightmare. He didn't know, he wasn't very keen on learning anymore history, he had learned enough. He was caught up with what had happened between when he went into the ice and came back up. He just needed to focus on getting back into the field. That meant figuring out why he was having such a hard time adjusting.

Dr. Enwine's sessions were becoming essential for him, he could barely make it two days without have a little encouragement. He had talked to Fury three times over the past four months, he could tell that Fury was becoming more stressed every time they talked.

Steve had another session with Enwine in an hour, and he didn't know if he could do it today, but how else would he get past this? He just needed to keep trying. Steve decided to draw till Enwine arrived. He was touching up a drawing of a plane when he heard a knock on the door.

Steve dropped the pencil onto the paper and he stood up, he cracked his neck and he walked toward the door. He opened it and Enwine smiled "Steve"

"Dr. Enwine"

"Good day, may I come in?"

"Of course, take a seat, you want anything?"

"Some water, thank you"

Enwine walked in and he sat down at his usual seat and he waited for Steve to come and sit down. Steve brought two glasses of water and he placed on in front of him and he thanked him. Steve took his own seat and Enwine opened his notebook and it was close to the end of the paper. Steve took a sip of water and he waited for Enwine to ask a question. Enwine didn't say anything, and he guessed that maybe he should ask a question. Steve hesitated slightly and he spoke "I hope I haven't been your worst patient"

Enwine chuckled "No, of course not. You are nothing like my worst patient, now how has your day been?"

"I actually just learned about 9/11"

Enwine nodded "It was a tough day, we're past it now though, but that doesn't mean we stop remembering it"

Steve nodded "I also learned about the war on terror"

Enwine nodded and he sniffed "Yes I know that too well I'm afraid"

Steve frowned "a patient?"

Enwine shook his head "I lost both my sons to this war"

Steve frowned "I'm sorry"

Enwine shook his head "It was seven years ago, its ok" he sniffed and he wiped his eyes quickly and he smiled at him "Now, what has been bothering you?"

Steve didn't know where to begin. Enwine waited patiently for him to begin. Steve took a breath and he decided to talk about it "My dream are getting worse"

Enwine nodded "By dreams you mean your memory lapses?"

Steve shook his head "My dreams, I'm seeing things that never happened, but they feel so real, I don't know, shouldn't that mean something is messed up in my head?"

Enwine took a sip of water "Yes, but it is nothing that we would call lunacy, it's not even PTSD"

Steve nodded "Then what is it?"

Enwine took a breath "I have dealt with this before with a patient, I can't say her name, but she had a similar problem, she still does"

"Did you help her?"

Enwine sighed "The sad thing about this situation is that no one can help you besides you"

"So there is nothing you can do for me?"

"I can be here as a form of encouragement, but o help you get through it, you have do it yourself"

Steve sighed and looked around "I don't think I can"

"Well then there is nothing I can do, I'm sorry but that is just how it is, maybe in the coming years as we study the brain and unlock more to what is needed to deal with this sort of affliction then maybe we could begin to help, but as of now Captain Rogers you're battling within yourself."

"Does a part of me not want to be here?"

Enwine shook his head and he looked at his notebook and he wrote something down and spoke: "You are wanting two things Mr. Rogers, but you cannot have both. You cannot return to the forties, as much as you may want to, you can't. I do believe that something is holding you back from accepting that you're here"

Steve was silent "Do you know what it is?"

Enwine sighed "This happens to patients that go through any sort of huge change in their life, they hold onto something that they can never have and it keeps them from seeing what they have in front of them and what could make them happy"

Steve instantly thought of Peggy "But I can't just forget about it"

Enwine nodded "You're not supposed to, but you have to move on, or have a motivation to move on, only then will you begin to heal"

Steve took a breath and he nodded "How do I do this?"

Enwine sighed "Sadly you have to figure it out yourself, as much as I wish I could help you I can't, and it makes the job rather infuriating"

Steve took a breath and exhaled tiredly "So in other words I'm holding onto the past too much?"

Enwine took another sip of water "We all hold onto the past and that is ok, but when our past starts to affect the choices that we make that could let us be happy, then it becomes a problem. People deserve to be happy, and all it takes is time and acceptance then they begin to heal"

"If I do this will my memory lapses and dreams stop?"

"No, not right away, but they will happen less and less"

Steve nodded and Enwine looked at him closely "Steve be careful, trying to get through this will cause problems and your side that wants to go back and stay in the past will fight, I have seen this consume people, but I'm confident that you can do it"

"If I do, will we ever talk again?"

Enwine smirked "Beginning to like my company are you?"

Steve chuckled slightly and Enwine sighed "No we will not, but that is a good thing, some relationships are only for the troubled times then as all things, they change and move on even if you don't want them to"

Steve spent the beginning hours of the afternoon watching Animal Planet and Discovery Channel. They were the only things he could watch, more or less. He enjoyed learning things that he hadn't even thought of before, but he didn't want to become a hermit. He decided get something to eat when a knock on the door took his attention from the idea of food and the television. He turned it off and walked toward the door and opened it. Fury was standing before him and he had a file in his hand and a disc in the other. "Good day Rogers, may I come in?"

Steve didn't really see why he couldn't and he was sure even if he wasn't a loud to, he still would. Fury walked in and he let Steve close the door and start to walk ahead of him before he said anything. Steve looked back at him "You want anything?"

"No I'm good, Rogers, take a seat"

Steve looked at him and he took a seat at the dining room table and so did Fury. Fury was hoping what he was about to give him wouldn't make him angry. "Rogers I have a file and a video for you"

"What is in them?"

"The video is old war footage of you, and the file…the file has everyone you ever knew in it"

Steve froze and he looked at the file "Everyone"

"Yes and if they're alive or not"

Steve looked at the table and he looked at Fury and hid his obvious discomfort "Is that is?"

Fury nodded "Yes, you can look at it at anytime"

Steve nodded and Fury knew it was time to leave and he gave him his farewells and left Steve sitting at the table. Steve stared at the file on the table for what seemed like hours and he exhaled, just when he thought it couldn't get any harder. Steve grabbed the file and he held it in his hands and he exhaled and put the file back down on the table, _not yet._ Steve stood up and he felt tired, he walked to his bedroom and fell back onto the bed and he stared up at the ceiling, he could feel the sun on him as it shied through the window. Steve took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

He could find out who is still alive, maybe Peggy is still alive, but what would that give him, more pain? He breathed deeply and exhaled, he just wanted to relax and he decided that he should just do what Enwine had said, just work through it himself. Steve took a few more deep breaths and he slowly fell into the warm embrace of sleep.

" _What made you so special?"_

" _Nothin' I'm just a kid from Brooklyn"_

" _YOU DON'T GIVE UP DO YOU?"_

" _Nope"_

" _I've got to put her in the water"_

" _I still don't know how to dance"_

" _I would hate to step on your shoe…"_

 _Steve felt himself not be able to finish the words as the force of the impact sent him flying back out of the seat. He hit the wall and he slid down it and landed on the floor. He laid there and suddenly cold water was all around him, he felt his chest constrict with pain and his breath became short as the cold water shocked his body. He felt the bomber shift and its wing sunk under the ice and was pushed down and more cold water came in and chunks of ice came down and made large splashes in the water._

 _Steve felt the bomber turn and he flew through the water and he went completely underneath it and he opened his eyes and they burned but he saw that the bomber was completely underwater and he saw his compass floating past him. He reached out to grab it and he missed it the first time and got it the second time. He looked at the picture of Peggy and he felt the bomber shift again and chunks of ice came down and pushed him to the bottom on the bomber and he was pinned._

 _He laid there, his lungs burning for air and there was none to collect. Steve was surrounded by ice and he felt a large piece of ice hit him in the gut and it made all the air that was left in his lungs leave and cold water went down his throat. He felt himself choke but there was no place the water could go, he felt his eyes begin to get heavy and everything faded to black. And his last thoughts were of Peggy._

" _This is my choice"_

" _I'd wait"_

" _For what?"_

" _The right partner"._


	9. Chapter 9

_Two months Later…_

Steve had stared at the file for two months now, every night he got a little closer to opening it, but he couldn't, not yet. He often spent most of his time trying to move past the fact that what happened, happened. He was sitting at his desk and he was just staring at the file as it lay in front of him. He was breathing slowly and he just stared at the Eagle on the cover, he placed his hand on the edge of it and started to lift it open, but he stopped himself. He saw a small stack of papers within the file and he let it fall back closed. He took a deep breath and he rubbed his eyes.

He was tired of all of this, he just wanted the pain to stop. Every time he thought about it his chest heart. He opened his eyes and his hand was still against his face. He looked at the file closely and he closed his eyes again and he saw Peggy and he opened them, he half expected to see her there, but he was alone in his room. He shook his head and stood up, he needed to stop staring at it, and it was only making it worse.

Steve decided to go to the couch, who knows maybe he would fall asleep and he would get an hour of bliss. Sadly with how his nights have been recently, he highly doubted that. He took a seat on the couch and he laid his head back into the cushion and he took a deep breath and exhaled. Steve stared at the ceiling, he was about to close his eyes and try to sleep when a knock came from the door.

Steve looked at the door and glanced at the clock, he sighed; he had completely forgotten about Dr. Enwine. He stood up and walked toward the door and he opened it. Enwine was standing before him, he was holding his notebook, but no pen this time. "Mr. Rogers" he said pleasantly

"Dr. Enwine come in"

Enwine was beckoned forward and he walked in, he noticed that the place seemed less clean than it usually was, it was still clean, very clean; but the past sessions things seemed very clean. Now the place looked more normal, some dust here and there, and a plate was on the coffee table and the dishes weren't clean. Out all the times he had been there, he had never seen dirty dishes.

He didn't want to prattle even though it was in the job description, he still didn't want to; but he would. He sat where he usually did and he placed the notebook on the table and he kept it closed. Steve took a seat and he tilted his head "Sorry, do you want anything?" he said half getting out of the chair.

Enwine waved him down "Not this time Mr. Rogers"

Steve slowly sat back down and he nodded. He noticed that Enwine seemed a little different, he actually wasn't prepared to ask any questions, at least not for the notebook that he had been filling out for months. Enwine cleared his throat "Steve, for this session, I don't want to be formal"

Steve nodded "Ok Peter" his name felt weird to say.

Enwine smiled "Thank you, Steve I would come to guess you had to wonder what I have been writing in this notebook during our sessions"

Steve shrugged "I figured it was just to remind you what to talk about"

Enwine chuckled "Close"

Steve tilted his head with a half shrug "So why don't you have a pen?"

"Because it is time for us to go through it all"

Steve frowned "Go through it all?"

"Yes Steve, this is our last session"

Steve shook his head "No, you're supposed to be helping me"

Enwine nodded "And I have, you have done what we have expected you to do: pick up a new language and touch up on your old ones for better communication, teach yourself how to use a computer, learn how to work a TV, go out and have a drink and laugh, and even become quite shocked about how the world changed since you went under"

"I'm not seeing your point"

Enwine chuckled "Steve you have transitioned from the forties to 2011, well almost 2012"

Steve frowned "I don't feel like I have at all"

Enwine nodded "I know, but see you do what we do, you try to learn all you can, and you even try to be able to talk to people"

"Then why do I still feel like I'm drowning here?"

Enwine frowned "The file didn't help did it?"

"I haven't looked at it"

"Why not?"

"Because I can't!" Steve suddenly yelled while standing up.

Enwine stayed calm "Steve"

"No, not now don't pull that bullshit, I don't belong here. I shouldn't even be here, I should have died"

Enwine went to speak, but Steve cut him off "I feel like everything here is slowly killing me, and the pain this place makes me feel, I am tired of it"

Enwine went to speak again, but Steve cut him off again "I am sick of being here, even if it has more luxury, it doesn't have the people I loved" Steve said

Enwine nodded and stood up "And you better get used to it Rogers" he snapped

Steve frowned at him, Enwine stared at him "I have seen you slowly make improvement then crash again and again. The world is different yes, but do not act like you're the only one who have lost people" Enwine said firmly and tears were forming in his eyes. Steve clenched his jaw.

Enwine continued "We have all lost people, some more than others. I am tired of seeing you wallow in self-pity, never pity yourself" he pointed at him "And do not ever think that you have it the worst, you do not!"

Steve watched Enwine slowly take his seat "Please sit Steve" he said half angry and half calm.

Steve slowly took his seat and he looked down "I'm sorry, I just…"

"I know" Enwine said softly, Steve looked at him "The fact is Steve: is that we have all lost someone, I lost my boys, and you lost your friends"

Steve sighed "I just can't bring myself to look at that file"

Enwine nodded "I told Fury it wasn't the right move, but he insisted"

Steve sighed "I'm sorry I lost my temper"

"And I'm sorry I lost mine, very unprofessional of me" he said wiping tears away from his eyes.

Steve took a deep breath "I'm going to go get a cup of coffee, you want some"

"Yes please"

Steve stood up and walked into the kitchen, Enwine exhaled and he closed his eyes and he opened the notebook and looked at the first thing he wrote when he first met him: _He is heartbroken, not upset that he survived, he misses her, he doesn't know she is still alive, and it wouldn't help him if he knew she was._

Enwine saw Steve walking back toward him and he accepted the coffee "Thank you"

Steve took his seat and he waited for Enwine to start talking. Steve watched as Enwine took a few sips of the coffee and he placed the mug down onto the table and he took a deep breath. "Now Steve, I want to warn you, this may not be the most desirable questions"

Steve nodded "But they have to be asked"

Enwine nodded "Exactly"

Steve saw Enwine looked at the first page and he finally took his eyes off the page and looked at him "Steve, why do you hate this place?"

Steve took a second to answer "I don't hate it, it's just not the desirable place I want to be"

Enwine nodded "Why do you think that?"

"I would say because I don't have anyone here"

Enwine nodded again "Why do go out to drink with older men instead of people your age?"

Steve smirked "I relate to them the most, the people my age at this time aren't focused on the same things I am"

Enwine nodded "Do you feel that you are using it as a defense, talking to people who get you and not trying to make new acquaintances?"

"I guess you could say I don't feel comfortable talking to people that I don't connect to"

Enwine nodded and he turned a few pages and he took a minute and he was back at it. "Do you have PTSD?"

Steve sighed "I don't know, I dream about my experiences about the war and sometimes I feel like I am dragged out of this place and put back into my shoes on the battlefield"

"Do you feel that you are a danger to people around you?"

"Unless you want to get yelled at, no"

Enwine chuckled "Ok, do you feel that the world has become worse since you were last awake?"

Steve took his time with his answer "I don't think it's better or worse, everything always gets better, but then things get worse. Trouble always comes around"

Enwine was liking where this was leading, but the last few pages were what worried him the most, but they still had a bit to go before they made it there. Enwine turned a few more pages and he took his time again. Steve drank his coffee and he placed the mug down onto the table and Enwine spoke "Steve, do you feel like a danger to yourself?"

Steve breathed quietly "No"

"Do you ever wish you stayed dead?"

"Sometimes"

"Why?"

"When I am reminded what I lost and what very little I have here"

"What makes you think you have very little here?"

"Well not much, I have people I talk to, but there's just something missing"

"What is it that you are missing?"

Steve was quiet and he thought of Peggy and he looked at the table "I miss someone very much, and I wish I had more time with them"

Enwine knew who he was talking about, but he didn't say her name. "Steve, why do you bury yourself into books?"

Steve smiled "My mother always told me about the importance of books and gaining knowledge, it was put in me at a young age, its part of who I am"

Enwine smiled "Well now, why do you enjoy drawing?"

Steve smirked as he remembered his mother handing him a sketch book and a pencil and she asked him to draw her something. "I was encouraged by my mother and I fell in love with the peacefulness of it, and my memory"

"What about your memory?"

"I can remember things with great detail and draw them like they are there"

Enwine smiled "So it wasn't an effect of the serum?"

Steve shook his head "Nope, it's the one thing that I was born with and that didn't come from a rather uncomfortable experience of being stretched out and feeling like I'm burning from the inside out"

Enwine nodded "Steve I do see that we have made great progress"

Steve tilted his head "I see that we're on the last few pages"

Enwine looked down and there were only two pages left and the next question made him nervous. "Steve we could stop now"

"Would I be allowed to go into active duty?"

"No"

"Then there is no other choice, we finish it, I wasn't around for seventy years, I would like to be around now"

Enwine nodded "Ok, Steve why do you think you can't move on?"

Steve frowned "I don't know"

"Does the fact of everyone being dead make your judgement so?"

"I don't know"

"If someone was still alive from back then, how would you react?"

Steve looked at Enwine "Someone is still alive? Who?"

Enwine was nervous and he noticed that he was gripping the edges of the notebook and his knuckles were white. "How would learning that Peggy Carter is still alive affect you?"

Steve felt the words hit him to the core and he felt like his heart was going to explode "What?" it was the only word that he could get out of his mouth.

Enwine swallowed "Peggy Carter is still alive"

Steve stood up and he shook his head "What?" he asked again

"Peggy Carter is alive" Enwine repeated

Steve looked at the floor and he walked away and he entered his room and he grabbed the file and he opened it, he went through the pictures and they all read _Deceased_. He got to the last one and it was Peggy and nothing was on her picture, he dropped the file and he backed up into the wall and her picture stared up at him. He put his hands to his head and he clenched his jaw. Enwine entered the room "Steve?" he asked looking at him.

Steve looked at him "You all new?"

Enwine nodded "Yes, Fury wanted to wait to tell you"

Steve pierced his lips together "Is that all Peter?"

Enwine nodded and he saw Steve look at him "I would like you to go"

Enwine looked at him "Steve"

Steve put his hand up "Just go"

Enwine sighed and he turned to leave and he looked at Steve "Good by Mr. Rogers"

Steve didn't say anything to him and Enwine walked away and Steve heard the door close and he slid down the wall and he stared at Peggy's picture and he felt his eyes begin to burn with tears. He grabbed her picture with a shaky hand and he put his hand to his mouth and tears fell down his cheeks. He took his hand away from his mouth and he moved his hand down the picture, he lightly touched it with his fingertips. "Peggy" he whispered

"My Peggy" He pierced his lips together and he let his mouth opened slightly and gritted his teeth as he looked at her picture. He ran his fingers down the picture "Peggy" he felt a tear fall down his cheek. "My Peggy"

He put his head against the wall and looked up at the ceiling and he closed his eyes "Oh God"


	10. Chapter 10

_**Enwine**_

Enwine closed the door behind him and he flared his nostrils and he cursed under his breath. He almost went back toward the door, but he stopped himself. He walked toward the elevator and he stood waiting for it to show. The metal doors slid open and he walked in and pressed the button for the ground floor.

He felt the familiar weightlessness from the elevator moving downward, it came to a stop and the doors opened. Enwine walked out and exited the building. He began walking down the street and he grabbed his phone and dialed a number. He put the phone to his ear and he listened to it ring. It was on its third ring when the line was finally answered.

"Fury" Enwine heard him say on the other side of the line.

"I have just finished my last session with Mr. Rogers"

"Good, how did it go?"

"Well not good"

"What happened?"

"You never should have given him that damn file"

"I would think it would have helped"

"Not when the man can barely stand to look at it, he hasn't looked at since you gave it to him, he looked at it five minutes ago"

"Who got to him?"

"Who do you think?" Enwine said more harshly than he meant to.

"He knows that Carter is still alive"

"It was always the plan to tell him, but apparently that did go to plan"

"Calm down Peter"

"Don't you tell me to calk the fuck down, Steve is unstable, I can only help so much, it is up to him, and giving him that damn file and then wanting me to tell him was not the right way to do it"

"Peter calm down"

"Fury, this is serious, who knows how he will be now"

"I get it, we messed up"

"We, no you messed up; I'm just doing what you wanted remember"

"Fine, how do we fix it?"

"To be honest, I don't have a clue"

"We can't just leave him alone"

"No that is exactly what we're going to do Fury, leave him be, he has to figure this out on his own"

"So I would assume that he isn't fit for duty"

"No he is, but he just found out the woman he loves is still alive, how would that make you feel?"

"I get it"

"By the looks of what has happened I don't think you do Fury"

"Peter calm down"

"Fury he was a mess when we started, we made progress, and you had to go fuck it up"

"Shouldn't he be happy that Peggy is still alive?"

"To be honest, no, I think it would have been better if she wasn't, because now he feels like he really should have done something different on that bomber"

"He should have done what, jumped out?"

"Maybe, at least with that idea he could have been with Peggy and he could have been with her the entire time that S.H.I.E.L.D. was being created and maybe he could have helped, that is all he ever wanted to do"

"Ok, I will keep an eye on him, but I won't talk to him, I will let him figure it out himself"

"Thank you"

"But if anything happens that I feel it is necessary to bring him back in I will"

"It better be one hell of an emergency"

"I hope it never happens"

Enwine stopped and was silent for a bit "Fury he was my last patient"

"I understand Peter, you've been at this a long time, and you will be compensated"

"You give me enough for a normal retirement, the rest you can keep"

"Ok, Peter thank you"

"Goodbye Fury" Enwine said

Fury hung up on the line and Enwine put his phone away and he took a deep breath and he hailed a cab and he got in and told the driver to go to the airport. He was getting away from this madness, he had seen enough for three lifetimes. He hoped that Steve figured it out if anyone deserves it would be him. The Taxi turned to the right and disappeared around a corner.

 _ **Steve**_

Steve opened his eyes and he took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He opened his eyes and Peggy's picture was looking at him, he looked away and let the picture fall out of his fingers. It lightly hit the floor and Steve was shaking slightly as he stood. He leaned down and picked up the picture and the file, he put them neatly back into it and he held the file in his hands. He stared at it for what seemed like hours, he finally took a breath and placed the file back onto his desk.

He walked away from it and he entered the living area and he was alone, he listened to the deafening silence. He could hear himself breathing, but otherwise he heard nothing else. He took a step forward and he was headed in the direction of the door. Steve stopped himself, should he have done something else on that bomber? Did he have to go down with it? Couldn't he have just jumped out, maybe?

Steve grabbed his phone in his pocket and he texted Jack: _Meet me at the usual place._

The phone vibrated less than a minute later: _You got it, reason why?_

Steve took a breath and he responded: _Not the best of news._

Steve put the phone back into his pocket and he walked out of the apartment with his leather jacket in hand.

Jack was walking down the sidewalk and he saw the bar in sight and he was limping slightly. He grimaced as he felt pain shoot up his body from his leg. He took a sharp breath and he cursed under his breath. He opened the door to the bar and he saw Steve sitting at the bar, it was evening and Jack could tell by just the way he was seated at the bar that he wasn't happy. He took a deep breath, he walked forward and announced his presence "Steve" he said

Steve turned and he smiled, but it was a sad smile "Hey Jack"

Jack smiled and took a seat next to him, Steve already had him a drink in front of him. "I know tin is getting late, but it's too early to be drinking Steve"

Steve drank his glass and he nodded "I can't get drunk, god I want to get drunk"

Jack frowned "What kind of news could have made you like this?"

Steve had more poured into his glass and he drank it and he sighed "I just found out that Peggy is still alive"

Jack was silent and he nodded "That bad?"

Steve nodded "I can't help but think that I let them all down"

Jack scoffed "Let them all down, are you serious? Look at how many lives you saved that day"

"I still could have saved them, just I didn't have to go down with that bomber"

"What could you have done? Honestly every bomb on that thing was atomic, maybe worse. Steve listen, maybe what happened, happened for a reason"

Steve looked at him "Why makes you believe that?"

Jack tilted his head and hesitated "I may not be the most faithful Catholic, but I do believe in destiny or fate whatever you want to call it, everything happens for a reason."

"So me being alive for seventy years and waking up in 2011 was all part of the plan, losing everyone I ever cared about, that was the plan?"

Jack sighed "I don't know, maybe you're not done yet, maybe you have unfinished business"

"Don't you think that I could have been helpful during the Cold War, the building of S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

"Maybe, but maybe you were never meant to create those things, maybe your job is to defend those things, but you went under till it was the right time for you to come back and defend us"

Steve scoffed "Makes me sound like I'm some savior"

"Most people see as one"

"Yeah that makes me feel good" he scoffed

Jack coughed slightly "Listen, if not that then maybe there is someone you were meant to meet"

"Really, I'm going to meet the one as it is said, that's what you're saying?"

"Hey it doesn't sound that bad to me"

"I love Peggy, no one else is going to make me feel that way again"

"I said one time that you only meet a woman like that in a lifetime"

"Yeah"

"Maybe you'll meet another one, this is your second lifetime"

"That doesn't make me feel better"

"Maybe it's not supposed to"

Steve shook his head "I don't know Jack, I do know that I will never be able to be with Peggy"

Jack sighed "Yeah, but that is not a reason to just quit and give up, we've all lost people Steve, my wife she was my whole world, the reason for me existing, she's gone and I'm still here. I think about her every day more than once, but just because we lose someone we love, that doesn't meant that we should lay down and let life kill us."

Steve was silent and he drank another glass and he looked at Jack "You sound like Enwine"

"Peter Enwine has had it worse than most, he lost both his sons and his daughter, his wife died two years ago"

Steve frowned "I didn't know about his daughter and wife"

"He doesn't talk about it much, but he has had it pretty bad, he was a war surgeon before he became a therapist you know"

Steve looked at him in shock "I didn't know that"

"Yeah he saw more pain and death than most soldiers do by killing someone"

"I had it pretty bad, but I can't imagine losing all your kids and your wife" Steve said looking at the bar

Jack sighed "Yeah, there is always someone who has had it worse than us"

"He did tell today that never think that you've had it the worst"

Jack smiled sadly "Steve, the point is push on, that is the main lesson in all of this; push on"

Steve smiled and he looked at Jack "I'm lucky that I met you Jack"

Jack chuckled "Well it is a pleasure to meet and be regarded as a friend by Captain America"

Steve smirked and he drank another glass and jack looked at him closely "Hey I'll tell you what, if you are ever in D.C. talk to this guy I know, he helped me when I had problems, but maybe he could be a person like me, just someone to talk to"

Steve saw Jack write down a name on a napkin and hand it to him. Steve looked at the napkin and read the name out loud "Wilson"

Jack nodded "He's pretty good, he deals with us Veterans who have had it rough during out service, and he's a good guy"

"I may not be in D.C. for a while and if I am there then I may not have time"

"He is always running early I the morning"

Steve nodded "Thank you Jack"

Jack nodded "I'll be seeing you Steve, I am meeting my granddaughter for dinner"

"Have a good time"

"I plan to"

Steve watched Jack walk away and he took a deep breath and he looked at his glass and he closed his eyes, he pulled out his wallet and he placed money down onto the bar and walked away.

Steve was lying in his bed and he was awake, well kind of, he was beginning to feel himself starting to drift. He knew what he had to do, and Jack was right; push on, but Steve knew that everyone has a breaking point, but he already felt like it past his, he didn't know if he could take anymore, how does something that's already broken break again? Steve didn't know, he closed his eyes and fell asleep and he hoped that he didn't dream, he was afraid of what he might see if he did.


	11. Chapter 11

_The music was playing softly in the background. Steve walked through the doors. He was pulled into a large group of people and everyone was smiling and dancing. Steve looked around and he was in the middle, he couldn't go anywhere, he could hear the drums banging loudly, they almost sounded like explosions. He turned and he saw Peggy standing in front of him and he took a step forward and someone bumped into him. He stumbled and looked for Peggy, but he couldn't find her._

 _Steve took a step forward and he felt someone shove into him and he stumbled back, he got knocked into a table. He hit the floor and he saw everyone looking down at him, they were smiling and drinking. He heard the drums beat again and he tried to stand, but someone kicked him in the face. He hit the floor and he could taste blood in his mouth and he sat up and everyone was gone. The bar was dark and it was cold._

 _He stood to his feet and his jaw ached from someone's foot hitting him. He walked through the empty bar and he felt the floorboards creak from his boot pressing against it. He got to the door and he pushed it open and dust fell from the edges and he walked out. He saw the sky was dark and clouds over casted the sky, he walked into the middle of the street and he looked up. He saw a large cloud that came from the ground and he saw that something was falling down from the sky._

 _Steve felt the cold wind touch his bones and he shivered, he heard a loud roar as he saw a large bomber fly over him. He saw the bomber banked to the right and flew back around. Steve watched as it came back toward him and it flew over him again and a large gust of wind blew past him and he saw something coming down toward him. He watched as it flew down and landed in front of him and a bright light hit his eyes, making him look away._

 _He felt the wind pick up around him and he felt the cold air become warm and he took his arm away from his eyes and everything was green. He was standing in a yard of a house and he was standing in close cut grass. He could feel the sun on his back and he saw the door to the house open. He saw a little boy run out toward him. Steve watched him sprint at him "Dad!" the boy yelled happily._

 _Steve felt his heart jump and he instantly bent down and picked the boy up and held him in his arms. He saw the boy had brown hair and blue eyes, he looked like his mother. He smiled and the little boy put his arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Steve looked past and he looked at the door, Peggy was standing at the door and she was smiling, she had a baby in her arms and Steve took a breath and the air hurt as it traveled to his lungs._

 _He started to walk forward and he felt his legs becoming lighter as he got closer to Peggy. Steve smiled and he made it to the door and he leaned forward and kissed Peggy and he felt the small baby in her arms move and he felt a little hand touch his arm. He closed his eyes and he opened them and he was alone and everything was dark. He stood alone and he looked around and he couldn't see anyone._

 _He heard a crunch behind him and he turned, Schmidt was standing next to the mailbox and he chuckled. "You Captain, are alone. You should have done more"_

 _Steve frowned and he saw that Peggy was lying at his feet and he saw her eyes were open and she was staring at him. He felt her eyes beaming at him and he took in a breath and exhaled shakily._

 _Schmidt started to laugh and he smiled. Steve took a step forward and he saw Schmidt pull out a pistol and shoot him. He felt the bullet burn through his chest and then another one and another. He fell to his knees and he felt his chest burning. He felt weak and cold, he saw Schmidt walk forward and he shot him in the head, a white flash made his eyes ache. He felt himself hit the ground and he opened his eyes and he saw lying next to Bucky._

 _Steve saw Bucky staring back at him and his eyes were emotionless and he saw that Bucky was limp and his chest wasn't moving, he stared at his dead friend. He went to move and he felt his arm ache and burning pain moved up his body and he shut his eyes because of the pain and he opened them and he was underwater._

 _He was being pinned by ice and he struggled and all the air left his lungs and he yelled as the cold water flowed into his throat as his body tried to breathe for air, but all that was found was freezing water. Steve felt it burn his chest and his heart was beating a mile a minute and he could hear it in his ears and he felt every beat as if his body was his heart. He felt the strong rapid beating start to slow and he then it was nonexistent. He stared at the broken canopy and he saw the bomber was sinking, he saw his vision beginning to darken and he saw a small compass float past him and he saw Peggy smiling at him. His spasm made him lean forward and he closed his eyes and everything burned._

Steve forced his eyes to open and eh shot upward and eh fell out of his bed and hit the floor hard. He could feel his chest burning and he was breathing hard and he gasped as he felt his heart beating. He looked around frantically and he had his hand on his chest. He crawled to the wall and he pushed himself up and he leaned against it. He sighed and he felt himself beginning to calm down.

He closed his eyes and he they burned with tears and they fell down his face, he put his head in his hands. He took a deep breath and looked around his room. It was morning or afternoon, he didn't know. He was shaking slightly and he could feel his heart beating against his chest. He slowly stood up, he caught himself with his hand on the wall and he kept himself from falling over. He was covered in sweat and he wiped tears from his eyes, he walked into the bathroom and he turned on the faucet and he splashed cold water onto his face.

He looked at himself in the mirror and he watched as the water dripped off of his chin and ran down his cheeks. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, he was ok, he wasn't in the bomber, and he was in his apartment. Steve opened his eyes and he turned toward the shower and he opened the glass door and he turned the water on. He pulled his shirt off and he let the damp shirt land on the floor. He let his pants fall and he pushed down his boxers. He walked into the shower and closed the door and as it slammed shut he flinched and hit the wall with his shoulder and he shuddered slightly.

He closed his eyes and he felt the warm water splattering against his skin, he took a deep breath and he stepped under the water and he let it flow over his body and threw his hair. He stood there with the warm water flowing over him, he opened his eyes and he stared at the shower head. He watched the small streams over hot water being projected out of it, he looked down and he took a deep breath and he grabbed his shampoo. He began washing his hair and he took his time, he wasn't in a hurry for anything else.

He shut the water off as soon as the hot water became less warm and he stood there with steam all around him. He pushed the door open and he walked out and he grabbed his towel that he usually used and he dried his body off. He opened the door and walked into his bedroom and he didn't care to cover up, he let the towel stay on the floor in the bathroom and he walked to his closet.

He grabbed some clothes and put them on, he was standing at his dresser before long and he decided that he would go talk to Jack. Steve gathered his things and he grabbed his usual leather jacket and his keys and left the apartment. He walked to the gym and he guess that was where Jack would be. Steve saw the gym down the street and he crossed the street and walked toward it. He dodged a busy woman walking down the sidewalk with her phone planted at her ear.

He made it to the entrance and he opened the door, he walked in and he heard voices around the corner on the main floor. Steve walked around the corner and he saw Jack's friends: Henry, Jerry, and John. Jerry saw Steve and he shook his head, Henry walked forward "Steve, good to see you"

Steve smiled slightly "I came to see Jack"

John looked at the floor and Jerry looked uncomfortable. Henry looked back at them and he took a deep breath "Yeah, we have some bad news"

Steve instantly felt his heart drop and his smile faded from his lips. Henry took a minute and he finally spoke "Jack passed away last night"

Steve heard a loud scoff from John "Passed away, you mean a young punk shot him"

Steve frowned "I talked to Jack last night, when did it happen?"

"It was on his way home from dinner with his granddaughter." Henry said

Steve looked at Jerry "Did he…did he"

"Suffer? The bullet hit him in the gut and he bled out in an alley as the young kid ran away scared out of his mind"

"He fucking bled out in the dark and alone, fucking kid" John said

Henry sighed "Sorry about John, he's not taking it well"

"How is it you two are?" Steve asked

"Jack had stage four cancer, it was in his bones" Jerry answered him.

Henry gave him a sad smile "He was diagnosed last year"

John walked away and he smacked his hand into a wall and he left the gym. Jerry sighed "He'll be alright, just needs to calm down"

Henry nodded and looked back at Steve "Listen Steve, Jack would have wanted this gym to stick around, he gave it over to S.H.I.E.L.D. he said and I quote 'It is for Steve Roger's use only', he talked about you for years, I'm just happy that he actually met you before he left."

Steve chuckled "I enjoyed our talks"

Henry chuckled "Jack did always know how to talk"

Steve nodded "I'll get out of your hair"

Henry gave him a nod "Steve, I know it's not the best thing that happened, but it's better this way. He always said he would rather die from a bullet than by being sick"

Jerry shook his head "Ironic"

Henry nodded "But he had no regrets except maybe making his wife wait too long"

Steve chuckled and he nodded "He was a good man"

Steve left it at that, he was back in his apartment and he sat at his desk and he watched the clock go by, it was soon dark and Steve couldn't sleep.

Steve was sitting in his room and it was dark, the only light was from his lamp on the desk. He sat quietly and he slowly breathed and he stared at the file in front of him. He didn't know what to do now, he lost everyone, even Jack, he may not have known him for years, but he knew him well enough to miss him. Steve sighed and he placed his hand on the file and he almost opened it, but he took his hand away, he had been through enough sorrow for a while. He didn't know what to do.

He lost or was losing everyone, what did he have? He really had nothing, only himself and the occasional visit from Fury. Steve closed his eyes, maybe he was right and that he should have stayed dead. Maybe Jack was right and that he just needed to push on, keep going, maybe this place would surprise him. He didn't know, he had a gun in his dresser and maybe he could shoot himself, then what would that do? Make more of a mess, Jack was right, he was needed and maybe he could do just that, he could help now and try to make up for all the time he missed.

Steve wasn't tired, and he wasn't going to look at the file, not today. He just sat at his desk and stayed in his thoughts, he didn't care if he was awake all night, and he was just trying to talk himself down from actually shooting himself. He needed to put his focus on something and even though he had lost so much, he had reasons to stay, even if it wasn't because of someone he knew, but it was for the people that he didn't know, the ones that he could help and he didn't know them. He may be broken, but at least he could start to mend himself back together, no one else was going to do it, Enwine said it was up to him, and he was right, Steve was going to push on and figure it out, he was going to help whoever he could, and that meant going back into active duty. He just needed one more thing to brush up on; tactics.


	12. Chapter 12

_Two Months Later…_

It wasn't a good day, Steve spent the morning having to calm himself down again. He dreamed again, it was the same thing he had been dreaming for two months. Steve was sitting at his desk and the computer was sitting in front of him. He was watching a video about himself.

" _War. With the forces of darkness pressing in from the East. From the West, America heeds the call to fight for freedom, and at the front of the fight, shoulder to shoulder with our battling boys is Captain America. A product of old fashioned values and exciting new science. Captain America is the name that every Nazi fears. Adolf's new weapons? No match for our man. When tough times turn tougher and hopes on the ropes. He's the man to knock the Axis on its maxis. He's out there fighting for the land that we love, and he won't stop…"_

Steve shut the computer off and he stared at himself in the reflection of the screen. He grabbed the file to his right and he pulled it over and he opened it. He looked at everyone he knew and each one had the big red word: _Deceased._

Steve came upon Peggy's and hers was the only one that didn't have the large red word upon her sheet. He glanced down at her address: 57-J Merryweather Winchester, UK. He saw her phone number under her address and he stared at the numbers and he looked at the phone that was sitting on a small table at the wall across from him. He decided not to and he looked back at the file, he moved on and he saw Howard's and the large red word was upon his and he moved on. He picked up the last one and it was Tony Stark and it had a picture of him, he looked like Howard. Steve saw the Iron Man suit down at the right corner. He set the paper down and he took a deep breath.

He stood up and he walked into his living area and he grabbed his leather jacket and his keys. He left his apartment and he began his long walk that he always took every day. He walked past busy New Yorkers and he heard someone yelling at all of them "Get your phones here"

Steve dismissed it and kept walking, he passed a silver car in a window for a shop and he didn't pay too much attention to it. He continued on and he stopped at the café that he had begun to eat at, or at least try to act normal. He was sitting outdoors as usual and he was finished with his sandwich, it wasn't that bad. He was drawing the bridge and the large ugly Stark Tower. He was touching up the bridge with some shading when a pleasant voice spoke to him.

"Waiting on the big guy?"

Steve looked up and it was a waitress he had seen before, she was pretty, she had long blonde hair. "Ma'am?"

"Iron Man, a lot of people eat here just to see him fly-by" she added quickly.

Steve looked down at the table and back up at her "Right" Steve grabbed for his wallet "Maybe another time"

She refilled his cup of coffee "Tables yours as long as you like, nobody's waiting on it" she began to walk away and added "Plus we've got free wireless"

Steve stared after her and he was slightly confused "Radio?"

She looked back at him and a hint of a smile touched her lips and she continued filling up other people's coffee. Steve sighed and an older gentlemen leaned back towards him and looked at him "ask for her number you moron"

Steve glanced at him and the old man went back to eating, Steve sighed and he stood up and left. Steve decided to take a ride on the elevated train. He sat by himself on the train and he noticed that no one was looking at each other.

It was like they were all trying to avoid contact with each other. Steve looked around and he wasn't in a very good mood.

After the awkward ride on the elevated train Steve went to Jack's gym and he walked in, some people were using it. He sighed, he guessed Jack's request wasn't put through. He walked up to the office to the new owner and he paid him money to let him stay after. He was allowed to and he stood on the main floor when everyone had gone. He was hitting the punching bag, he heard the loud smacks that his taped fists made once he made contact with it.

He began hitting it harder with each punch, he gritted his teeth and he hit the bag harder. His hands began to move faster and the smacks were getting louder. He could hear explosions and he saw himself running through the forest with dirt flying everywhere. He blocked a blast of energy and kicked the Hydra soldier away and he saw himself at the bomber's controls. "There's not enough time" he heard his voice say "I've got to put her in the water"

He saw a flash of the Tesseract and he hit he bag harder. He heard Peggy's voice "You won't be alone"

Steve hit the bag faster and he could feel warmth spreading back into his chest "Oh my God, this guy is still alive"

Steve grunted and he hit the bag across the room and a loud boom rang throughout the room and sand splattered over the floor.

He was breathing heavily and he walked backwards and grabbed another punching bag and he hooked it up and he began hitting it.

"Trouble sleeping?" Fury asked

Steve sighed and hit the bag again "Slept for seventy years sir, think I've had my fill" Steve it the bag and he paused slightly and continued.

"Then you should be out, celebrating, seeing the world"

Steve stopped and he took a deep breath and he walked over to a bench and he pulled the tape off his hands and he put the tape into his duffle bag. "I went under, the world was at war. I wake up, they say we won, they didn't say what we lost" Steve took a seat on the bench and he sighed.

Fury stood in front of him "We've made some mistakes along the way, some very recently"

"You here with a mission Sir?"

"I am"

"Trying to get back in the world?"

"I'm trying to save it"

Steve looked up and he saw a file in Fury's hands, he handed it to Steve and he took it. Steve opened it and he saw the Tesseract and its otherworldly blue glow. "Hydra's secret weapon."

"Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean, when he was looking for you. He thought what we think, the Tesseract could be the key to unlimited sustainable energy. That's something the world sorely needs."

Steve wasn't exactly happy, but he didn't let his angry interject into the conversation, was there anything good that stayed around since he went under? He closed the file and handed it back to Fury "Who took it from you?" He asked as Fury took it back.

"He's called Loki, he's not from around here, there's a lot we'll have to bring you up to speed on if you're in." Fury paused and he added "The world has gotten even stranger than you already know."

Steve sighed "At this point I doubt anything would surprise me" he stood up and grabbed his duffle bag.

"Ten bucks says you're wrong." Fury said.

Steve walked over and grabbed one of the punching bags and as he put it over his shoulder Fury spoke again "There's a deep briefing packet for you back at your apartment."

Steve began to walk towards the exit "Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we ought to know now?"

Steve was about to leave and he spoke to answer that question "You should have left it in the ocean."


	13. Chapter 13

_**Epilogue**_

Steve spent the night at his apartment and he woke up the next morning and he dressed himself in a plaid over-shirt, dark brown pants and brown boots. He grabbed his leather jacket and he put it on and he walked out of his apartment. He exited the building and he saw a man standing next to a car. He looked happy to see him, but he acted professional.

"Captain Rogers?"

"Yes"

"Agent Coulson" he offered his hand and Steve took it and shook it.

"We'll be heading to the S.H.I.E.L.D. carrier and you'll meet everyone else"

Steve nodded and he climbed into the car, Coulson followed him and shut the door. Steve found the ride a little awkward, no one said anything, and it was just quiet. They came to an airport and there was an interesting plane sitting on the runway.

"It's a Quinjet, basic S.H.I.E.L.D. shuttle" Coulson said as they walked toward it.

Steve walked up the ramp and he looked around and he took a seat and he exhaled. Coulson followed and the ramp closed with a hydraulic seal and the Quinjet came to life and slowly left the ground. Steve could feel the vibrations from the thrusters and the Quinjet shot forward.

Coulson handed him a data pad and it was more briefing. Steve watched something on a Dr. Banner. Steve saw Coulson was looking at a console. "We're about forty minutes out sir" a pilot said

Coulson nodded and walked over to Steve, Steve frowned "So, this Dr. Banner was trying to replicate the serum they used on me?"

"A lot of people were, you were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula"

Steve looked at the footage and he saw the large green monster and it kicked a military vehicle across a large stretch of grass at a University. "Didn't really go his way did it?"

"Not so much, when he's not that thing, though, the guy's like a Stephen Hawking"

Steve looked up from the footage and frowned in confusion. Coulson realized his mistake and corrected himself "He's like a smart person"

Steve nodded and he noticed that Coulson was smiling. "I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you officially."

Steve smirked slightly and Coulson continued "I sort of met you. I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping."

Steve's smirk faded a little as that sounded weird, Coulson saw his mistake again and tried to mend what he had said "I mean, I was present while you were unconscious from the ice"

Steve stood up halfway through his sentence and he put his arm on the upper panel and he looked out of the canopy. Coulson walked over and stood next to him, still trying to fix what he had said "You know it's really just a huge honor to have on board this…" he stopped and accepted that he couldn't fix what he said.

"I hope I'm the man for the job" Steve said moving on, he didn't want to make him feel more embarrassed than he already was.

"Oh, you are. Absolutely. Uh, we made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input"

Steve looked at him and he frowned slightly "The Uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little…old-fashioned?"

Coulson looked at him and took a breath "With everything that's happening, and the things about to come to light, people might just need a little old-fashioned"

The rest of the flight was quiet, Steve saw the Carrier in the distance and the Quinjet hovered over the landing area and slowly made its decent. Steve put his hand on the hull and he kept himself balanced. The Quinjet landed and the ramp descended with a loud hiss. Coulson and Steve walked down the ramp "Stow the Captain's gear" Coulson ordered

"Yes sir"

Coulson saw agent Romanoff walking toward them and Steve was looking at a Quinjet being worked on and he turned his head and he saw a woman with red hair, ivory skin and brilliant emerald eyes. He saw her standing waiting for them and he felt his heart jump a little. She looked stunning and he hope she didn't catch him glancing at her legs and breasts as her clothing hugged her form brilliantly. Coulson looked at Romanoff and Steve. "Agent Romanoff, Captain Rogers"

Steve heard his name and it brought him out of his thoughts and he said the first thing that came to his lips as a greeting "Ma'am"

She looked at him and she spoke calmly "Hi"


End file.
